I Smell A Rat

Speaking of rats... there are these folks hitting bars in Brooklyn with a cause even hipsters can get excited about - changing the name of rats to Great Pointed Archers. Now, it's my policy not to comment on political causes (I kid!), but here are some reasons why I'm so happy that someone has finally taken it upon themselves to bring about some real change in New York City on this crucial issue:
1. I'm rather fond of rats. They're less scary than cockroaches because you know that one will almost definitely never accidentally get caught in your hair. Yes, I know I'm paranoid.
2. They're also perfectly intriguing: fuzzy, smart, and gross - the best qualities of a kitten, an alien, and a zombie, all in one!
3. The Great Pointed Archer website is sick. In a good way.

So go on, you, get out there and speak up for your fellow New Yorkers!

Photo by eno on.

A Friend of the Devil is a Friend of Mine

Well, ol' Tom was finally indicted for being the spawn of Satan.






I see the resemblance, don't you? Seriously, though, Tom, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I wonder if now would be a good time to disclose that $10 million he gave me to build a casino in my backyard?

Get along, little dogies

Perhaps you've heard that 80% of post-Katrina contracts were awarded without bidding or with limited competition. Vast sums have been doled out to former FEMA chief Joe Allbaugh's old friends, including Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown, and Root and the Shaw Group.

But perhaps you haven't heard about one corporation that has escaped mainstream notice: Gurgly Enterprises!

Whereas most no-bid contracts are given out for reconstruction, demolition, waste removal (does this sound like the mob to anyone else?), and other boring stuff, Gurgly Enterprises has been given carte blanche to spend as much taxpayer money as necessary to wrassle the biggest, toughest, hungriest steers (steer?) in Louisiana into submission. It's a long story. But trust me, New Orleans will live or die on the backs of me and my steer(s), and I won't rest until I've thrown each and every one of their multiply-pronged heads to the ground in three seconds or less. Yee-haw, bulldoggies!

Photo by Eileen O'Shea

Sunday Confidential

I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I've been watching you. I like your new nightgown. Anyway, I get great enjoyment out of tracking the stats of people who come to my site, and I can see where they came from - so if, for example, someone does a Technorati search for Papalotzin, they'll find me, and if they click on my blog from that site, I'll be able to see that that search was their source.

But I've learned that most people, in fact, are not searching for Papalotzin. Rather, they are searching for giant boobies. One of my early posts, which is definitely not porn and not even a very good example of the blog, was titled Size 44FFF, because it was a story about this woman who kept talking about her friend's enormous ta-tas, but it turned out they had never even met in person. And it is this post that comes up at the top of a Google search for 44FFF (right under "did you mean 44FF?"). It doesn't help innocent porn-seekers that "gurgly" is a word primarily used by writers on three subjects: swallowing and intestinal disorders, babies, and hot wet gushy erotica. So a good number of sorely disappointed horny men and/or women come across Gurgly every day just to read about some kooky woman who I thought was funny. Sorry, fellas!

Bump Another One

So, both the hot items of the moment in the "blogosphere," as I hear it's called, are substance related:

1) Kate Moss's acknowledged cocaine use, and
2) President Bush's possible drinking.

I sort of can't believe I'm saying this, but I think both of these issues should be put to bed. As soon as I say a couple of things.

As for poor Kate, whooooooo caaaaaaaares? I'm the zillionth person to point out that of course she does cocaine, she's a model, and she's not even the first model to admit to the habit. And considering that she started her career as the exemplar of heroin chic, we should just be glad that she seems to prefer coke, right?

And the President, I mean, jeez. If what the National Enquirer says is true, which is at least a legitimate possibility, we're all in some deep shit (if the past not-quite-five years are him sober, I don't want to see what comes next). But it's more than that, it's worse than that - we've all (blue staters, or whoever) wanted him to open his eyes to what's going on in the world, but I know that I, for one, didn't consider the very logical implication: that he wouldn't be able to deal. And sure, I hate him as much as the next guy, but this relapse, if true, is also a personal tragedy. So let's just let him be on this issue for the moment so he can gather his wits - lord knows it would be in all of our best interests.

The Vast Homosexual Conspiracy

I can't help but suspect that the Church's brilliant* plan to ban homosexuals from becoming priests is somehow related to the recently reported anal sex sweeping the nation (and Queens). Anyway, I think the Church has finally figured out the most devious, dastardly plan ever conceived by the vast homosexual conspiracy: gays have infiltrated the priesthood and used their role as marriage counselors to encourage anal sex among couples, who then get "bored" (see NYT cruising article) and start having sex with DUDES! I tell you, those poofs sure are tricky.

*I mean, priesthood is such a hot career these days, they have to do something to winnow out the chaff.

99% Perspiration

Oh, man, I wish I were a genius. I know that one of the hallmarks of the MacArthur fellowship is that there are no strings attached, no final reports or required progress, but I think that after five years, the fellows should be able to use their collective 12.5 million dollars to make something really cool. Judging from the recipients' various talents, I propose that the MacArthur class of '11 be required to construct...(drumroll please)...

THE BIO-ROOM!

In The Bio-Room, which will be exquisitely constructed to enhance contemplation, a single-celled organism will evolve into a rare animal from Madagascar. It will then do battle with a violin-playing lobster, and the loser will be zapped with a laser. Lethem will chronicle, Sheikh will be class photographer, and Belanger will make the yearbook.

Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

Last night I was lying in bed, drifting off under a beautiful moon, when suddenly a terrible chill came over me. I sat up in bed, terrified, and cried, "It is finished!" Then I fell back asleep.

By "it," of course, I meant Brooklyn.

It seems that several months ago developers discovered the city's most populous borough, and massive residential towers are due to pop up in Williamsburg, the Downtown waterfront, and Prospect Heights.

Even worse, it appears that the New York Times, always at the forefront of investigative journalism, has sniffed out the presence of Brooklyn, previously thought to be a mythical land like Atlantis, or Nobu. A puzzled editor was reported to have said, "Oh, that's why they call it the Brooklyn Bridge!"

For all those who love their skylines to be dominated by nothing but a giant phallus or who otherwise think Brooklyn is a special place, these recent developments spell nothing but bad news. So, Brooklyn residents, I'm sorry to say that it looks like it's time to pack up your bags, put the kids in the 1991 Volvo station wagon, and head out of town. But there's this place I've heard about; I think it's called Manhattan?

Sunday Confidential

Tonight is the Emmy's, so it seems like a good time for a confession: I love Law & Order. Especially SVU (Good luck, Mariska!). But also the original. And I'll even watch CI, though Vincent D'Onofrio kills me. And if I get a jones for L&O and it's not on, I'll take CSI, CSI: Miami, or Without a Trace for the procedural fix.

But back to Law and Order. I love the show, I do; however, the writers seem to be obssessed with criminals of Eastern European extraction, particularly if there's organized crime involved. I did a quick, unofficial survey of episode guides and at a minimum, SVU has 3 episodes about Russians, 2 about Romanians, 1 with Bosnians and Serbs, and 1 that actually takes place partially in Prague.

My personal favorite is "Russian Love Poem," which involves Russian socialites accused of sodomizing a man with a banana, knowing full well that his banana allergy will kill him; a bunch of Russian alcoholics who hang out on the Brighton Beach boardwalk; obsessive love and outlandish confessions; and, of course, Russian Roulette. I kid you not.

Oh. My. God.

Brawl in the Bowery: Hitchens v. Galloway

9:32 That's all, folks! Go buy contributors' books! Thanks to Stop the War Productions for the stream.
9:29 CH: Moveon schmucks worth giving up for his "new friends." He says he means secularist Kurds, but my guess is he's talking about GW and Dick Cheney. Alludes to GG's Oil for Food involvement. He's a better person than the members of the audience, and they will regret their shallow assholeness.
9:26 GG: Al-Sistani is an Islamic fundamentalist. People hate the west. The international legal system has been f'd. "This has been a disaster, this war in Iraq." Pulls out his favorite jibe, which is meaningless to Americans: "popinjay."
9:23 All hands concur. The debate is running out of steam. I repeat: everyone agrees on something. Also, they agree to beat each other up. Somber tone ensues.
9:19 CH: "What I say doesn't require your endorsement... I'm on CSPAN now."
9:18 CH reminds the audience for the third time that they are on television. Apparently he's quite pleased about that.
9:14 CH: "You say, 'They [Katrina victims] wouldn't be dead if they weren't black,' but they haven't been identified yet." Very classy, CH, very classy. GG has a field day.
9:12 CH defends Bush's response in NOLA to defend presence in Iraq. "Are you not proud of General Honore?" Thanks for mentioning that, Chris. I AM proud of General Honore.
9:09 CH: GG hates honest, hard-working Iraqis just trying to make it through the day.
9:06 CH: "I'm just reminding you, you're on telly." Oh, to be British...
9:05 GG accuses CH of "border[ing] on the racist." To which CH said, "Wanna go, n***a?"
9:01 GG: Insurgency is "Iraqi resistance." The foreign fighters are not the insurgency, but the American and British fighters.
8:58 CH repeats that he was wrong about opposing first Iraq war, wishes GG would stop bringing it up.
8:57 GG to CH: "How can anybody take you seriously?"
8:53 Galloway swallowed up by a "pit of exculpation." Oh no! Someone throw him a rope before he is swallowed by the dreaded Pit of Exculpation!
8:49 AG to GG: Saddam Hussein is in jail. Did he commit any crimes? GG says yes, in the 80s, when he was the best friend of the US. Snap!
8:44 AG to CH: Did Bush engage in a systematic campaign to deceive? CH says Bush wasn't deceitful, because he lied on purpose. And Saddam had WMDs, no matter what Colin Powell says.
8:43 GG: Condemns CH to hell. Zing!
8:42 GG: I'm not corrupt, CH is, for backing the Bush Admin.
8:39 GG: CH is an idiot and a liar. Trade jabs of dictatorships each of these fine fellows supports.
8:38 CH: "This is masochism, being offered to you by sadists." God, CH is making me hot.
8:34 CH: Mideast terrorism the fault of USSR. Repeat, NOT Christopher Hitchens. CH "still mourning" 9/11, unlike GG, that heartless bastard.
8:32 GG: Stop support for Israel. Not a popular idea. Speakers hiding behind podium! I kid.
8:29 GG: Terrorism, 9/11 CH's fault. Madness! Chair bashing, bottle breaking madness! CH has to rein his minions in.
8:27 GG: CH killed Native Americans. Bastard.
8:25 GG: breaks prosecutor golden rule of "Don't ask if you don't know the answer," saying, "Is there anybody who believes the most respected medical journal [the Lancet] of my country is a 'crazed fabricator'?" Apparently, yes.
8:23 CH: something about masturbating.
8:18 CH: makes fun of Michael Moore. Sure, make fun of the fat man, while haranguing the other side for taking the easy laugh.
8:15 CH: makes funny joke. But I will not tell you what it is.
8:14 GG: UK and USA "two biggest rogue states in the world today." Yaaaaayy!
8:11 GG: Dying for CH to fight, in a "tin hat," no less.
8:07 GG: Calls US leaders "crazed fundamentalists," invokes Cindy Sheehan, New Orleans, and American Revolution. What the hell? Is he a covert red stater?
8:05 GG: Hitchens is no chimneysweep; he's covered in shit, not soot. Therefore, not a chimneysweep.
8:04 GG: "What you have witnessed is something unique in natural history: the first ever metamorphosis from a butterfly back into a slug." References trail of slime.
8:02 GG: Calls CH a hypocrite by congratulating him for opposing first Iraq war and formerly liking Pakistan.
8:01 GG: "I didn't interrupt you so perhaps you'll not slobber over my remarks."
8:00 CH tells GG to "bring it on."
7:59 CH: GG's a whiner because the USSR, Albania, Iraq, and Syria have fallen. Wait, Syria?
7:56 CH: Calls Galloway a "disgrace," "vile and cheap" Now we're talking! The crowd goes wild!! CH refuses to lose his limited time to hooligans.
7:54 CH: Pakistan is bad. We are saving the world from the proliferation of WMD. Chirac is a prostitute. Schroeder is a loser.
7:51 CH: Positive results. Saddam in his undies. CH boldly "takes delight" in his jailing.
7:49 Switch to single spacing!
7:48 CH: Iraq is bad. Manages to incorporate the phrase, "fools around promiscuously."

7:46 Hitchens links current anti-war movement to anti-regime change movements of the last 15 years.

7:42 Audience informed that this debate will go on for the next bazillion hours.

7:39 And we're off!

7:37 War in Iraq blamed for delay in starting the debate.

7:36 The president of the Christopher Hitchens Fan Club is his mother.

7:23 Annoucement that the debate will start at 7:30, promptly. See you then.

7:21 Plug for UFPJ march on September 24.

7:16 Replay of BBC interview from the night of his election victory. They call him a carpet-bagger and say he exploited racial tensions in winning his seat in Parliament. Lefties laugh heartily. Hitchens insults TK.

7:10 Lefties offer paean to Amy Goodman.

7:04 Old lefties hosting the media stream attempt to hide their jubilation at the presence of the MSM, including CNN, NY1, the BBC, and the Wall Street Journal.

Brawl in the Bowery: Hitchens v. Galloway, the backstory

Here's an idea: a non-liveblog liveblog! That way, I can imply up-to-the-minute news and not have to edit or reflect, all at the same time! Plus I get to drink, because what's a liveblog without increasing quantities of alcohol?

It's Hitchens v. Galloway, the Brawl in the Bowery, or thereabouts. Starting at 7 p.m. Which is now.

Hitchens: "liberal hawk" who left the lefty mag the Nation in a dispute over his pro-war views. It's been a crushing blow to his reputation, and he is now forced to write for such crappy rags as Vanity Fair and Slate.

Galloway: the British MP who shocked the 8 watchers of C-SPAN who saw him give the US Senate the business on their handling of Iraq. He became an immediate darling of the anti-war movement and is now crossing the States in an Anti-War Tour.

Amy Goodman: moderator, host of WBAI's Democracy Now!

The topic: The Iraq War

Papalotzin

It's not often that I post something without reserving at least 2/3 of my space for mockery, but this is pretty amazing. Papalotzin is a project to migrate with the monarch butterflies, following them from southern Canada to Michoacan in Mexico in an ultralight plane (decorated like a butterfly, natch) in order to track their migration and highlight the importance of preserving the many ecosystems the monarchs depend on in their travels. The team is blogging daily and showing some stunning aerial views of our very own area - they passed through New York and went to Ground Zero on 9/11. On the left is a picture of the plane on the ground, and here it is in flight:


Fly away, beautiful butterfly! Fly like a bird!

Photo 1: papalotzin.com via U.S. Newswire
Photo 2: papalotzin.com

Vote or I'll Punch You

I have exciting news, folks: you may not have noticed, seeing how no one cares, but tomorrow is the New York City primary election. Voters can choose a Democratic candidate for mayor, Manhattan borough president, city council, and public advocate. You might be wondering, "Why should I bother voting, since the winner of the mayoral primary will get his ass whooped by Bloomberg in short order and the only thing on the agenda I'm interested in is the referendum on whether Elijah Wood is gay?"

Well, citizen, let me offer this crucial voting guide - Vote or I'll Punch You!


1) It's your civic duty. Plus, you can get time off work.
2) There are four experienced, qualified individuals vying for the mayoral nomination. It wouldn't be fair to force any of them to endure a career-crushing loss to Bloomberg, so I propose a write-in campaign: nominate Richie Rich, the richest boy in the world. Then at least Bloomie will have some competition.
3) It's CMJ week. This may be your last chance to get outside without being mobbed by throngs of coked up hipsters staggering around the city in an independent music frenzy.

Sunday Confidential

I've been rereading Herman Hesse's wonderful Steppenwolf, and as these things tend to happen, it's sort of intersecting with my life as I live it. Today, and these days, are not easy ones for a lot of people: it's September 11, the devastation on the Gulf Coast has damaged and destroyed a lot of lives, the war in Iraq drags on, and the venality of the Bush Administration becomes harder and harder to tolerate. Meanwhile, we've all got our personal pains and heartbreaks to contend with. Hesse acknowledges the pain of human existence and he honors it; he makes no attempt to dismiss suffering or its value. But he also offers transcendence and transfiguration, and he reminds us of our multiplicity of souls and gives us (or me, at least) hope in forging the unity of the self.

It is possible that Harry will learn one day to know himself. He may get hold of one of our little mirrors. He may encounter the Immortals. He may find in one of our magic theaters the very thing that is needed to free his neglected soul. A thousand such possibilities await him.

If you're suffering right now, take heart, take your time, and take care of yourself.

A Home in Houston

I'm sorry, what's that? Did you say, "Instant Housing"? Did you say, "modular and mobile?" Are you thinking what I'm thinking?


Why, Laura, what a brilliant idea! You drop about 50,000 of these mofos on southeast Louisiana, and now we're talkin'!

Or, as Curbed suggests, put them on rooftops. Wait a sec, that's even better - forget Louisiana, just stack ye olde Micro Compact Home on the roofs of Houston apartment buildings, and Katrina refugees can become the Roof Dwellers of Houston. Now that would be "sort of scary," wouldn't it, Barbara?

Rumors

There are rumors going around inside the Astrodome that the 17th St. levee was bombed by the Army Corps of Engineers in order to save more valuable real estate in the French Quarter, etc. This accusation is completely unfounded and preposterous - there's no way the government had its shit together enough to pull off something like that.

Also, it's really a relief to learn that nary a high-ranking official at FEMA had ANY disaster management experience. It would be so embarrassing if this was the best they could do after a lifelong career in emergency management. As it is, there's no doubt they're doing "a heck of a job," though I don't think it's in quite the way Bush meant.

I Hear They're Good Fried

When your heart and mind tire from the depressing and painful coverage of Hurricane Katrina, may I recommend turning to a news story with not only genuine ecological and economic consequences, but also the added benefit of creepy animals! Now showing in The New York Times, reviewers call the Brazilian caiman the "spookiest news diversion since that walking fish!" I, for one, will never again travel to the Amazon without a small child to use as bait.

Photo by Eggrollboy.

I See Your Disaster Response and Raise You 36 Hours

You know, our able-bodied President received a lot of flack for not responding quickly enough to the disastrous consequences of Hurricane Katrina. But that is clearly an unfair attack by the left wing commie media - because look how quickly he responded to the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist on Saturday. Sure, it took him four days to get down to Louisiana, but he made up for lost time when he nominated John G. Roberts for chief justice not even 36 hours after Rehnquist's passing. You say he doesn't have his priorities straight? That he doesn't know how to reach out to the nation in a time of crisis? What's with all the negativity, man? He responded with unprecedented alacrity to one of the greatest crises to ever hit this country, by which I am obviously referring to the one-day vacancy, occurring on a weekend while the Court is in recess, of the chief justice's chair on the Supreme Court. Maybe the Bush Administration killed Rehnquist to shift the news coverage away from Katrina (I'm kidding! Rummy, watch your back...)

Elegant continuing coverage of the hurricane on Craigblog and Mr. Sun!

Also, I want to say a kind word about Sen. Mary Landreiu, because while she is the worthy target of Anderson Cooper's frustration on CNN, she's been speaking out and fighting hard for the people she represents. It looks to me like on that interview she was trying a "nice guy" tactic to get some names on the record of people who promised to help, because she felt like being a bulldog wasn't working. Apparently being nice didn't work either, because she's back on the horn (via Craigblog).

Sunday Confidential

Today my beau and I went to Storm King, a 500-acre outdoor museum/park for sculpture in Mountainville, NY. It was a perfectly perfect day, with sun, a breeze, and temperatures in the mid-eighties. Storm King is a beautiful property, with rolling hills and views of the Catskills. At their best, the sculptures surprise you: they nestle among trees or appear unexpectedly from behind a rise; some of them, especially the Calders and Spheres by Grace Knowlton, are playful; and some of them, in particular the smaller pieces, Richard Serra's Schunnemunk Fork, and the Storm King Wall by Andy Goldsworthy, are so elegantly integrated with their surroundings as to seem like ancient creations stumbled upon by modern visitors.

However, to a large extent Storm King seems stuck in a 1970s aesthetic, and many of the sculptures reflect a time when artists were giddy with their ability to create large scale works out of steel and defeat viewers' assumptions about gravity and balance, but which now seem dated. Clearly these works are important to the history of art, and many of them are still very impressive, but I find myself less interested in the towering and the massive than in the intimate and intricate. And it's not just a question of materials or size: Serra's piece is made of four steel panels eight feet high and up to fifty-four feet long, but it is kind to visitors, inviting you into the landscape instead of dominating it. Of course, one problem is that these sculptures are, for the most part, extremely huge and heavy, so it's not like they could really move pieces that no longer seem as relevant as they once did. But as a result, Storm King is, though incredibly beautiful, a somewhat static place.

I'm not going to post today, really, because it's late and I'm tired and blah blah blah, but here, suck on this: a link to Anderson Cooper losing his cool at self-congratulatory politicians.

(Via Wonkette)