Vote or I'll Punch You

I have exciting news, folks: you may not have noticed, seeing how no one cares, but tomorrow is the New York City primary election. Voters can choose a Democratic candidate for mayor, Manhattan borough president, city council, and public advocate. You might be wondering, "Why should I bother voting, since the winner of the mayoral primary will get his ass whooped by Bloomberg in short order and the only thing on the agenda I'm interested in is the referendum on whether Elijah Wood is gay?"

Well, citizen, let me offer this crucial voting guide - Vote or I'll Punch You!


1) It's your civic duty. Plus, you can get time off work.
2) There are four experienced, qualified individuals vying for the mayoral nomination. It wouldn't be fair to force any of them to endure a career-crushing loss to Bloomberg, so I propose a write-in campaign: nominate Richie Rich, the richest boy in the world. Then at least Bloomie will have some competition.
3) It's CMJ week. This may be your last chance to get outside without being mobbed by throngs of coked up hipsters staggering around the city in an independent music frenzy.