Old-Fashioned Jersey Saloon Shootout. With Bears.

New Jersey has planned a December bear hunt as a way to deal with "nuisance" bears. I'll be honest; I think this is a bad idea. And it's not because I'm against hunting. My family is full of people who enjoy shooting things. And anyway, I'm from Pennsylvania, where the the first day of deer season is a school holiday.


No, friends, the main reason I think this bear hunt is a bad idea is because New Jersey is the most densely populated state. I know what you're thinking: it's precisely because of the dense population of humans that the increasingly dense population of black bears is a problem, thus necessitating the hunt. But really, at 1,134 people per square mile, what are the odds that instead of hitting a bear, hunters will bag a person instead? According to my extremely sophisticated calculation, which involves the innovative use of the formula 1/x-(n^n-1)={(a*c^2)-1/(2b+4ac)}^2c/b, the odds are 1 in 8.765. (Imagine what the odds would be if I could figure out how to make the square root symbol!)

I don't think think this bear hunt is going to do much for the problematic race relations in New Jersey, either. The only bears getting hunted here are BLACK bears. You don't see them going after the white bears, do you? Just wait - a few jumpy cops unload a clip or two into a black bear, and we'll have a fiasco on our hands.

Bears by Thomas Hellberg. Deer by Chris Frewin.