Sunday Confidential

I've never really been much admired for my hand-eye coordination or my gross motor skills, like, say, walking, standing upright, swallowing food, you know, stuff like that. But still, you'd think I'd be able to make myself a piece of toast. Today I was preparing a little breakfast, as I sometimes like to do, and there was a slice of bread involved, which I had for no particular reason pushed all the way to the back of the toaster oven. So when I went to pull it out, I had to stick my hand all the way into the toaster - naturally I couldn't use a fork or a knife or anything like that. Anyway with my hand all the way inside the toaster I began to worry that when I lowered my fingers onto the toast I wouldn't reach it and I'd inadvertently put my hand onto the rack and burn my fingers. My concern about this problem impelled me to take immediate action, and I jerked my hand up and back, thus giving myself like an eighth degree burn on the top of my hand. It's okay, though, I didn't really need that middle finger. Except for obscenities. Which I guess I'll have to cut down on.