Metafilter Asks. I answer.

In this new feature, which may or may not recur on a wholly random and sporadic basis, I will help out Metafilter's lonely questioners, as long as they asked something I can make fun of. Check back often to see if I've completely negated the value of Metafilter by answering your question in my own personal space.

Dhammala asks:

My friend in NYC really really really wants to go to a lot of these shows but money is really tight. Do you have any ideas on how he can go?

Yes, Dhammala, I do have an idea how your "friend" can go to these shows. It involves Vaseline, a mouth like a Hoover, and knee pads.

BradNelson says:

Help me fix the vertical blinds in my apartment before I move out.

Brad, sorry, but no. If you'd been more gracious when I asked you to help me carry my 200 lb. desk up three flights of stairs when I was moving in, it might be a different story. What goes around comes around.

Escabeche says:

We just moved to Madison, Wisconsin -- now what?

Well, Escabeche, it's still August, so it hasn't started snowing yet. Here's what you do: go down to your car. Carry nothing but your wallet and a block of Wisconsin cheddar. Get in. Turn it on. Drive in any cardinal direction except north. Don't stop till you can smell the water.

Elkerette has a timely question:

Help make a Canadian Understand America-filter. Is burning actually one of the preferred ways of disposing of old American flag?

Elkerette, allow me to refer you to your cousin, Wonkette, who will clarify the ins and outs of flag burning. The general rule of thumb: if you're not a Republican, bury it.

That's all for today, folks. Check back again on Sunday for the latest Sunday Confidential: If You Can't See Them They Can't See You Edition.