The Repeater

Osama bin Laden, everybody's favorite fugitive terrorist, released a new tape, promising more attacks against the United States and offering a vague truce of some kind where Bush and bin Laden go duck hunting together on the President's Crawford, TX ranch.

In the tape, Mr. bin Laden addressed the American people directly, saying of his supporters, "Our situation is getting better while yours is getting worse."

The Bush administration replied with the usual schtick: Cheney said, "We don't negotiate with terrorists," and McClellan said, "We are winning. Clearly Al Qaeda and the terrorists are on the run, and that is why it is important that we do not let up, and do not stop, until the job is done," and, "We continue to act on all fronts to win the war on terrorism, and we will. The president is fully committed to do everything within his power to prevent attacks, and to defeat the terrorists. We are taking the fight to the enemy, we are working to advance freedom and democracy, to defeat their evil ideology."

In a surprise development, it was then revealed that the authentication of the bin Laden tape was actually an error, as the CIA realized that bin Laden had made an identical speech one year ago. Just minutes after the announcement, though, it was retracted. A CIA spokesperson said, "Sorry, it wasn't bin Laden's speech that we'd heard before, it was the Bush administration's. Those guys sure know how to stay on message."