Gurgly

Subterranean MTA Blues

2007-02-01T19:36:00.000-05:00

A while back the MTA came up with a cost-cutting measure (though I'm not exactly sure how this saves any money) of requiring subway toll workers to abandon their booths and provide customer service on the platform, answering questions, etc. I was opposed to this idea at the time because I think it's unfair to so drastically change people's job descriptions after they've been hired. Now it's been implemented in some stations, including my home stop of Bergen St. in Brooklyn, and I still don't like the idea, but for a different reason: they are the absolute worst customer service people I have ever seen. We had one guy for a long time who looked like he was terrified of being asked a question, and he avoided making eye contact with anyone so that he wouldn't have to. I saw him every day for three months, so I kind of wanted to say hi, have a nice night, but he was always staring blankly ahead, shifting on his feet. Then he disappeared one day, to be replaced by a woman who literally hid behind a pole and talked on her cell phone the whole time. The new guy, though, he's got potential - he actually watches the customers as they exit the train, and he looks like he'd let you ask him a question. But we'll see. It's only his first day.

Um.

2007-01-25T06:55:00.000-05:00

Last night my yoga instructor (and yes, I am now officially obsessed with yoga. I realized if I just gave up this stupid writing thing, I could be doing yoga for, like, four hours a day!) said the following. And I quote:

"Feel the beautiful flames shooting from your buttocks!"

In the Mood For Love

2007-01-18T21:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, criminy. New York City is creating its own brand of condoms. That Mike Bloomberg, he's never one to miss a marketing opportunity, like the ill-fated parternship with Snapple that resulted in the world's largest popsicle turning into the world's largest soupy mess melting all over the streets of Manhattan. But condoms, now, that's out-of-the-box thinking. I wish I could have seen the shit-eating grin on Bloomie's face when he announced that one. For some reason these condoms are color-coded to match the various subway lines (4/5/6 green, A/C/E blue, etc). I know people pin a lot of identity on their subway lines and all, but I feel like there are times when people should be thinking about other things besides civic pride. If they wanted to stick with the New York theme, why not print pictures of skyscrapers on the condoms? The Empire State, the Chrysler Building, that other building with the nice roof that I never know what it is... They're the perfect shape, the metaphor is hardly a stretch, and as a bonus, it's super classy - evoking a golden age in New York's storied history.

Y is for Yoga

2007-01-07T19:59:00.000-05:00

Well, Lazy McGoo is back. I knew it had been a long time, but glory be, I didn't realize it had been almost two months! So sorry, friends. It's because in my mind I'm always writing blog posts. It's also because all I ever want to write about is my adventures at the Y, and I've been incredibly negligent of my exercise routine. But, with new years come new commitments to not turning myself into a bowl full of jelly, so I'm back at my favorite place. And today I did something new: Yoga.

I've taken a couple of yoga classes before (like, literally a couple), and when I was dancing we did a lot of yoga poses to stretch and work on our alignment and such, but practically speaking, I am a total newbie. So I went to a class called "Flow Yoga," which is basically a nice way of saying "Yoga for the Inflexible and Infirm." And I left feeling like my body might dissolve into a sludgy liquid. My legs trembled, my hips felt like they were about to separate from my body, and my lungs felt kind of like someone had taken a metal rod and opened up a little extra space in there -- good and painful at the same time. I have a lot of work to do.

Timber!

2006-11-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

I work on the Lower East Side, in the area known to some as Two Bridges (between the Manhattan and Williamsburg Bridges), which is basically the eastern edge of Chinatown. It's one of the less polished places in Manhattan, with a lot of warehouses selling food to Chinese restaurants and sports equipment wholesalers and the like. On Thursday I was running an errand during lunch, and, walking up Essex Street, I passed the remnants of a huge branch, maybe a foot thick, cut up and left on the curb. But when I looked around, there were no trees, certainly no trees big enough to sport this large branch. I considered it vaguely mysterious, but it's the type of neighborhood where mysterious, inexplicable things tend to appear. Now I realize it was a harbinger.

When I finished my errand I returned along East Broadway, walking next to Seward Park. As you may or may not remember, Thursday was an exceptionally windy day (and eventually rainy, too) -- it was one of those almost literally breathtaking winds. So anyway, I was walking along the border of Seward Park when I heard a cracking sound, which, of course, I ignored. Until a few seconds later, when a huge, ten-foot branch crashed to the ground behind me! It actually fell inside the park fence, but it could just have easily fallen on my side and beaned me in the head, could it not? New York is such a dangerous place! Because of the trees!

Rear Window Defroster

2006-11-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

Tell me the truth: did you really know that Rear Window didn't take place in the back seat of a car?

Do I Hear $20,000?

2006-10-31T19:17:00.000-05:00

Last night the bf and I went to a swankly lil' event at Sothebys. It was a benefit for Riverkeeper, and we were invited because the bf had a picture in their silent auction. It was all very chi-chi (is that how you spell that word? what about shi-shi? whatever); Martha Stewart was there, and a society photographer, who, amazingly enough, did not take my picture. There were also a lot of rich people who bid on the silent auction pictures and then bid at the live auction, which was headlined by Martin Short. It was sponsored by Grey Goose, which had an ice sculpture on one of the bars (unfortunately, the sculpture was not in the shape of a goose), and all kinds of art mafia people were there, but I didn't know who any of them were. I just admired all the fashiony clothes. We didn't stay for the whole live auction, but of the part we saw, the most thrilling bidding session was for Mark Messier's luxury box for a single Rangers game. The price? A mere $19,000. Anyone want to go to a hockey game with me? Ha ha ha.

More Tales of the Y

2006-10-29T19:18:00.000-05:00

I am like the coy mistress of blogging. Perhaps I'll drop by, say something, chew a few things over, perhaps I won't. But here I am again, with more stories of the Y. I haven't been to the Y for ages, because first I got a cold, then I got a job, and for a while I had a cold AND a job, but now, fortunately, I have shed the cold and only have the job. But anyway, it seems inadvisable to swim in a public pool with a compromised immune system, and then I was settling in at work, so it was just this weekend that I got back to the ol' YMCA. But, not surprisingly, things haven't changed much -- there are still a lot of weird people at the Y. Today's culprit was the Naked Lady in the Locker Room. I am not the first to blog about this ubiquitous trend, but this was by far the most disturbing of the Naked People I have yet seen. She was tall and extremely thin, almost a little malnourished looking, and she first came into my line of sight as I was getting ready to go down to the pool. To and fro she paced, never, apparently, in a search for a towel. Finally she picked one up, but when I looked up as she was walking past, I saw that she was holding said towel loosely in her hand instead of wrapping it around her body. Now, none of this is particularly egregious locker room behavior. But when I caught this glimpse of her, I saw that her totally uncovered crotch was, well, totally uncovered. In every way. In the manner of a newborn babe.

Far be it from me to criticize someone's grooming preferences, but there was just something kind of unpleasant about having a fully unobstructed view of this woman's privatalia, especially since she seemed to be making a double effort at giving me a fully unobstructed view. Because this was not the end of my encounter with Naked Lady in the Locker Room. We met again in the showers, where I was rinsing off before swimming (and therefore not even naked) and she was, in theory, showering, but was instead in fact standing in the middle of the shower area, still naked as a jaybird, or whatever that saying is, doing stretches. Finally, thank God, her water warmed up and she stepped into the shower.

But she left the curtain open.

Feed me!

2006-10-16T20:47:00.000-04:00

I am just about ready to prostrate myself before the gods of cooking and implore them, "Why, merciless gods, why do you torture me so? Why do I suck at cooking so, so badly?" And they will laugh and hurtle a takeout pizza at me. You know, I live in New York. It's not like I have to cook. I could get a perfectly delicious meal for five dollars. But it's something I so dearly want to be good at. Or at least competent. I would settle for competent. But here I am, following the recipe EXACTLY, and all of a sudden I've got enough eggplant to feed a family of twelve who really, really love eggplant, and the potatoes are still totally raw, and I don't know how to peel tomatoes, and I burned the spices, and I think I'm going to go order a burrito. I can't take this kind of stress. Lord preserve me.

New York, NY

2006-10-10T11:11:00.000-04:00

Ah, I suck. I am a horrible blogger. But. I'd like to share with you my new favorite internet toy, Gothamist's News Map. It's a Google Maps crime blotter, that plots incidents around the city as they happen. And it's, like, totally awesome. It's like Law & Order, but on my computer, and without having to watch the whole show - I can just get scared that all these things are happening! It's kind of scary, though, realizing that people are getting shot, robbed, bitten, stabbed, crashed into, and falling into water and off of scaffolds all day long. It's enough to make you want to stay inside, except that there are fires, unstable buildings and gas leaks, too. I need to get a helmet.

PS

2006-10-03T10:08:00.000-04:00

Oh, and PS, I am still writing a weekly column for Lost Writers, and the latest installment is up today.

You Can Stay at the YMCA

2006-10-03T09:20:00.000-04:00

Thanks, everyone, for your nice comments. Your check's in the mail, except for Paul, who made fun of me. Yesterday I was swimming at the Y, which is what I love to do, and there was some kind of tussle between a middle aged guy in a speedo and a young hipster guy who was standing in the pool. The older guy said, "whatever," as in, "whatever, I do look sexy in this speedo despite my belly," and walked away, and the younger guy just stood at the end of the pool, saying, "I don't want him to leave until the cops get here." Yet there was no blood, no one on the bottom of the pool; just a bunch of guys in swim caps. Anyway, I never did see any cops, much to my disappointment. But I did see a woman swimming in a wetsuit, wearing gloves with frog hands. I love Brooklyn.

Is Anybody There?

2006-09-28T14:12:00.001-04:00

Hi. Here I am. I think. I'm back from Oysterville, WA, Pennsylvania, France, and Spain. I've returned to my usual state of computer-inspired indolence. I've almost finished Anna Karenina. So I thought now would be a good time to pick up the ol' blogging again. And so, I'm going to see if I can warm up my blogging muscles for a few days and then maybe do something cool like an official relaunch of Gurgly, with cabaret girls, and elephants, and fire eaters. We'll see. I'll keep you updated.

Is Anybody There?

2006-09-28T14:12:00.000-04:00

The Latest, the Greatest

2006-06-09T15:11:00.000-04:00

Okay. Just wanted to drop anyone who might wander across this godforsaken plain known as my blog that the computer appears to be fixed. It took three tries, god love 'em, but it's working. I, however, am not blogging at the moment, because I am in Oysterville, WA on a writers residency, and Internet access is a fifteen minute walk away. Or a five minute bike ride - I rode a bike today! Holy shit!! I literally can't remember the last time I rode a bike, but I'm sure it was more than ten years ago. Anyway, I may well make occasional updates, say, once a week or so. In the meantime, I'm still posting every Tuesday at Lost Writers. Hugs and kisses!

Why Even Bother, I ask you?

2006-05-27T23:25:00.000-04:00

This is getting tedious, I know. Believe me, I know. But in case anybody is still reading this stupid blog, here's the latest: I got the computer back on Thursday and came to the conclusion that every single component of my computer has now been replaced. Nevertheless, ten minutes after I turned in on, it froze again. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! The next day I went back to the Apple Store. They're giving it one more try, with promises I'll have it back before I leave in five days for Washington. Kill me now, why don't you?

Boo hoo

2006-05-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

Thank you to all of you who have inquired about the status of my computer and when the hell I'm getting back on line. It's a sad and tragic story. I got it back last Friday and when I turned it on Saturday, it was running, but it immediately started freezing every 45 minutes. So I tried to reinstall OSX and it failed, four times, so I took it back to the "genius bar" (ha! as if!) and they said, "Huh." The computer is now supposedly in the hands of the Apple depot, but I have heard nothing. Bleh! I don't know where it is, what's wrong with it, or when I'm getting it back. Rawr! As always, you can read my Materiella column at Lost Writers.

Monday, Monday

2006-05-08T22:29:00.000-04:00

A week has gone by
No sign of the 'puter
It makes me cry,
Okay I don't want to write a poem about this. Sorry. I have to write a love poem tonight. Can you believe it? A love poem?
There once was a girl from Pawtucket...

Anyway, in lieu of the blog, check out my Materiella column on Lost Writers Tuesday, where I take out my anger on Apple.

Sunday Confidential

2006-05-07T11:32:00.000-04:00

Stay cool, everyone, stay cool. My computer is languishing at the Apple repair whatever, waiting for "a part." Maybe they dropped it and it broke into a million pieces, I don't know. But in any case there's been a delay. Strangely, I seem to get the same number of visitors to my blog whether I post or not, so what the hell.

Update Update

2006-05-01T19:33:00.000-04:00

Hey all, I just wanted to give you the 'puter update: the hard drive has failed, but it's in the capable hands of a technician somewhere, who is supposedly fixing it. Which means I should be back on line in approximately T minus 1 week. In the meantime, you can always read my Tuesday column at Lost Writers, which runs, as one might expect, on Tuesdays, under the heading of my alter ego, Materiella.

Are Computers Alive?

2006-04-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

Doods. My computer? Is, like, broken? I'm so mad. Why, computer, why? Why did you choose one week before my thesis is due to break? Do you hate me that much? Do you want me to fail? In case this is inspiring palpitations in anyone who cares whether I turn in my thesis, not that I'm saying there necessarily is such a person, rest assured that I managed to get my files off the computer before it burst into metaphorical flames. So the thesis will still be turned in, and it won't be, like, a recitation of the alphabet. But blogging must needs be put on hold until I get this worked out, which will possibly be by tomorrow, and which will certainly result in a tremendous effusive post about how much I love my computer, and all of you. Wish me luck.

Sunday Confidential

2006-04-23T22:27:00.000-04:00

Confidentially, I've gotten hooked on a web comic called NYC 2123: Dayender. Generally speaking, I don't know much about comics or graphic novels, but I had the good fortune of meeting Chad Allen, one of the creators, and I'm sold. Set in post-apocalyptic New York City in the year 2123, the main characters are badass outlaws with hardwired wi-fi, altered senses and other cool body mods, and they're up against a shadowy enemy with devious intentions (but I won't give away who it is - you'll have to see for yourself). The drawings are clean, the writing's sharp, and the whole thing is just fun. Plus, I love the online format, as opposed to the traditional paper comic. One of the things a comic's drawings are supposed to show is the passage of time, and when you're clicking through frames as you do online, there's an actual literal correspondence to that sense expressed in the work. NYC 2123 can also be read on PSP, which is cool, but I have a funny feeling that most of my readers don't have PSPs or maybe even know what they are. Yay NYC 2123!

So Long, Farewell, Harriet

2006-04-21T09:22:00.000-04:00

According to the Times, Harriet Miers may be the next victim of Joshua Bolten's Administration shake-up:

Joshua B. Bolten, the new White House chief of staff, has raised the possibility of moving Harriet E. Miers from her job as President Bush's counsel as part of a continuing shake-up of the West Wing, an influential Republican with close ties to Mr. Bolten said Thursday.

Tee hee. Didn't Bush already try "moving" Miers to the Supreme Court? And frankly, I can't see exactly what changing Bush's legal advisor is going to do for improving things in the White House. But hey, I wouldn't want to contradict the new Lord of Darkness, Joshua Bolten, or he might try to fire me. And I don't even have a job.

Scott Gets the Pot

2006-04-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

Today will be the day that goes down in history as the day the White House press conference died. Yes, the axe has fallen on Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary, the man who coined the phrase, "We don't comment on ongoing investigations." If he whispers it in the woods, will anyone hear him? I can only imagine who the next press secretary might be and what scintillating parries with the media will ensue, but I would like to propose the new catchphrase of the next press conference generation: "We don't comment on ongoing military actions." That could have astounding effects on the public perception of the Iraq War. War? What war?

Baby Madness

2006-04-18T22:11:00.000-04:00

Oh my god!! I'm so excited about the most exciting baby news of the year! That's right, folks, in the moment we've all been waiting for, Brooke Shields has had her baby! Will she overcome her struggles with postpartum depression? Why on earth did she name the poor little thing Grier Hammond Henchy? Have any pictures been released?

And, oh yeah, not like anyone cares, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise also had a baby today. Did you even know she was preggers? I kid.

Oracle, tell me, how long will the insane trend of Hollywood baby-accessories continue?

I Work Hard, Too!

2006-04-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry not to post yesterday - I was felled by the Easter bunny. But the good news is that Joshua Bolten, the new White House Chief of Staff, seems like a really fun guy, telling White House aides that anybody who was thinking of leaving within a year should just go now. I don't know why, exactly, but to me this just sounds kind of... mean. He's like, "I'm sick of you people screwing things up for the President. You know why his approval ratings are so low? It's because of people like you, lazing around here, leaking stuff to the press, messing up the war in Iraq, confusing the public on his prescription drug program; yeah, you know who you are. You know what? You know what? Why don't you just go. That's right, just go. If you don't like it here, you can leave. This is my House, and while you're under this roof you're going to work by my rules."

But don't worry, Scott McClellan's press conference about Bolten's first staff meeting did not go by without mentioning the "hard work" required to serve in the Administration. Oh my god, do they EVER talk about ANYTHING without saying what hard work it is? When Peter Pace was defending Rumsfeld the other day, he said, "nobody works harder than he does." I hate to be the ones to break it to you, fellas, but you are the leaders of the free world. You're not grade schoolers. You don't get A's for effort. I'm so happy for you all that you're not lazy, but seriously, is non-laziness really your main accomplishment? My hamster isn't lazy either, but you don't see anyone electing him for office.

My Brave, Very Important Announcement

2006-04-13T23:09:00.000-04:00

Poor Rummy. No one likes him except the President, and these days that's sort of like in grade school when the only kid who wants to be your friend is the one who smells like pee and always has his fingers up his nose. I think we're up to six retired generals calling for his resignation now, and they're all so handsome (in my mind) and disciplined and honorable, with excellent posture, and though I have a feeling we might disagree on, say, everything else, I too will bravely lend my name to the list of decorated generals who call for Secretary Rumsfeld's resignation. It's a hard decision for me to make, because part of my personal code is to accept the authority of the leadership and the president, but I know how much weight my voice will add to this distinguished list, so I truly feel that I must speak up.

I-Ran So Far Away

2006-04-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

Ever since Sy Hersh published an article in the New Yorker about the Bush Administration establishing plans for a military strike against Iran, he's been all over the radio waves, which are directly wired into my brain, incidentally, and there's been quite an uproar. The White House is calling his claims "wild speculation," which, strictly speaking, doesn't mean that it's not correct. Even wild speculations can sometimes land on the truth. Meanwhile, in a super-creepy ceremony involving robotic chanting from the assembled diplomats, Iran announced the exciting news that they've enriched uranium. Congratulations, Iran! We're all so very proud. Are they accepting applications for residents on the moon yet?

Amici

2006-04-11T22:39:00.000-04:00

Sigh. Why, Silvio, why can't you just go quietly into that good night? Enjoy your retirement. Screw lots of women. Lounge around at a villa. Get in a fistfight with Bono. Whatever. I know Bush will miss you, but that in itself is reason enough to know you ought not be Prime Minister. I mean, look at his other political pals: Putin? Chalabi? The love affair is bound to sour.

Immigration in its Obviously Hilarious Context

2006-04-10T22:50:00.000-04:00

Ah, immigration. As you cannot help but have heard, there's a battle going on in Congress over the status of illegal immigrants, with various potential outcomes including making illegal immigrants felons, setting some of them on the path to citizenshiip, or something in between. As you have probably also heard, there are perhaps 12 million illegal immigrants living in the United States, and for context I'll remind you that the US population is almost 300 million (check out the POPclock - it's so cool!). Thus, if my superior math skills do not deceive me, illegal immigrants make up 2500% of the US population. Wait, that's not right - it's 4%. Which is still a lot.

Just to add to the context (Holy moly! There's so much context I can barely stand it!), in 2003 the US jail and prison population topped 2 million for the first time. I'm not sure what it is now but I'm willing to bet it's not, say, 12 million, which, for those of you whose math isn't as good as mine, is 6 times as many people. So incarceration of our new felon population is going to be tricky. But quite a boon for the penal system.

And for one last bit of context, so, so much context, the Public Defender Service for DC has a list of felonies, and with the exception of the horrendous crime of failing to return a rental vehicle and maybe bigamy, most felonies are acts that result in significant loss of property or violence. Last time I checked, working shit jobs for practically no money and paying taxes doesn't really fall in that category.

Sunday Confidential

2006-04-09T21:42:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, when I was planning my spring break, I got it into my head to clean my laptop. It's a wonderful little white iBook, and we're madly in love, but after a year and a half it's starting to look a little grimy, and a few of the keys stick more than I'd like, so I was going to take off all the keys, wash 'em up, really get the dirt out, and spruce it up all nice and fresh. Naturally I never got around to doing this, I mean, who has time for that shit? But last week I decided I couldn't bear it any longer - the stickiness of the "i" key had to be resolved. So I took off the key and spiffed up the inside. When I went to put the letter "i" back on, though, I saw that the key is not one piece, but three: the key itself and two little plastic joints, which fit together and on the base and onto the key in a totally mysterious way. After an hour and a half (I kid you not!) of wrangling with the stupid things, I finally figured out how the whole thing worked, but in my desperate battle I had broken off a tiny, minute, miniscule smidgen of plastic from one of the joint pieces, and therefore, the key doesn't attach completely anymore and it pops up all the time. I considered switching the broken piece for one from a less popular key like "x," but I'm afraid that once I go down that road, there won't be a single properly attached key left on my keyboard.

Leaky and Sneaky

2006-04-06T22:31:00.000-04:00

Scooter Libby is saying the President authorized the leak of classified intelligence in order to discredit Joseph Wilson, who publicly doubted the Administration claims that Iraq had weapons of mass distruction (though he didn't specifically say the Prez authorized him to leak the name of Valerie Plame--Wilson's wife--an undercover CIA agent).

I think when the President's term is over and voice analysts count his most frequently used phrases, the clear winner will be "it's hard work" and its variations. And this is exactly what he's talking about. This is the kind of outside the box thinking that's so taxing on the presidential mind. Do you think this shit just happens in his sleep? Or on his long, relaxing bike rides? I think not. You can hardly imagine the hours of brainstorming, the storyboards, the preliminary modeling that went into this before the President said, "By God (bless his holy name)! I've got it!" Leaking classified information and then acting outraged about the leak, now that's hard work.

Attack of the Fishopod People

2006-04-05T23:01:00.000-04:00

Yet another weird animal post. If you haven't noticed, I find weird animals to be the most important thing I can possibly blog about. I have to keep you up to date on the existence of strange fossilized remains that might crawl into your bed and nibble on your ear while you are sleeping. The latest odd organism to rear its exceptionally ugly head is the 'fishopod' crawling fish. Named Tiktaalik, its fins have a proto-wrist and elbow, and "It could do a pushup," said discoverer Neil Shubin.

Well, shit. I don't think I can do a pushup. I don't want this pushup-doing, steroid-guzzling, head-swiveling fishopod coming after me, I'll tell you that. If you are wise, you will do what I'm doing: holing up in a fallout shelter with nothing but workout equipment and two thousand cans of tuna fish. When all the tuna is gone I will emerge, myself a fishopod, ready to take on Tiktaalik in a pushup competition. The prize? Unquestioned world dominance.

Drop and Give Me Twenty

Ode to Massachusetts

2006-04-04T21:37:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I love Massachusetts. I think I've only been there once, but that doesn't stop me from loving it. I love it so much, in fact, that I have to write a poem to express my feelings. A critic might say, if you love it so much, why don't you marry it? To which I say, if there were ever a state that would allow me to marry it, it's probably Massacusetts. Now, without further ado, my

Ode To Massachusetts

Massachusetts, we thank thee
For your liberality.
E'er since the Mayflower dropped its anchor
You have been the red states' canker
Your grudging embrace of religious freedom
Expanded to even those who don't heed Him.
Workers' rights warped Lowell's loom
And the Kennedys issued from thy womb.
Gay marriage allowed, despite stumbles and trips,
And somehow there's been no Apocalypse.
A recent suit fights sodas in schools,
Claiming the drink industry takes us for fools.
Now there's universal health insurance--
Thank you, ole Mass, for your liberal endurance.

Baloney (Bologna?)

2006-04-03T21:02:00.000-04:00

I'll be glad when the Italian elections are over. Berlusconi is such a lunatic, his presence on the world stage really stresses me out. But I should be more sympathetic; after all, old Silvio must be pretty stressed out, too, since he hasn't gotten laid in, like, months. Nevertheless, the final debate between Berlusconi and his rival, Romano Prodi, sounds like a lot of fun, if you have a high tolerance for contentious backbiting (key phrases quoted by the Times include "drunkard clinging to a lamp post" and "useful idiot"). Again, though, I'm going to blame Berlusconi's bad attitude on his self-imposed abstinence.

The debate concluded with Berlusconi announcing a substantial tax cut worth more than $2 billion euros a year, and he made the announcement in such a way that Prodi could not respond. He's like the bully who stomps on the other kid's foot and runs away. I'm sure I'll rue the day that I said this, but it almost makes you nostalgic for American politics, doesn't it?

Sunday Confidential

2006-04-02T21:22:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow the bf goes on a six-week trip around the country to take pictures and stuff. This is the third year he's done it, and I never like him being away for so long, but it's always a good experience for both of us. It gives me a chance to focus on my writing (which is especially key this year, what with the thesis coming up) and to take a break from the weekend commute--must. fall in love. with westchester! Speaking of Westchester, I started wondering recently what the suffix "-chester" actually means. So I looked it up. Because the Internet is magic. And it's an Old English derivative of the Latin "castrum," for "fort." I live in a fort! Anyway, pals, I will be holing up in the fort of white privilege known as Westchester for the next six weeks, and by the time my silly dancing boyfriend returns from his trip, I will have my master's degree. Which means either he'll be gone for a really long time, or I will be graduating really soon.

An Apple a Day

2006-03-30T21:53:00.000-05:00

Oh, I'm so confused: Apple v. Apple- I think my brain is going to explode! In the geekiest news since, like, yesterday's news, Apple Corps, the Beatles' record company, is suing Apple Computer over their logo. The two companies had a trademark agreement in which Apple Corps wouldn't object to the computer company's use of an apple logo as long as they didn't use it to sell music. The agreement was made in 1991, when iTunes was but a speck in the mind of Steve Jobs, and now, obviously, the apple logo is selling hella music. While of course I love all things Beatle and some things Apple, and I suppose that it would be hard to argue that iTunes doesn't violate the letter of the law, this seems kind of like one of those things where the Apple Records folks' lawyers were going through some old files and they came across this agreement and were like, "Oh, snap! We just won the lottery!" Anyway, I am sure everything will turn out okay. When one super-rich company goes up against another, there are no losers. Except the TRUE FANS of the Beatles and Apple Computer. Sob.

Scary Barry

2006-03-29T22:00:00.000-05:00

From the Washington Post: MLB to Announce Steroid Investigation. Huh? I feel like there's been a steroid investigation going on for, like, the last three or four years. What were all those baseball players doing in Washington talking about steroids, if not a steroid investigation? I know, I know, they were Congressional hearings. But steroids are sooooooo boooooring. No many how many investigations they do, everyone's going to say they wouldn't even know what a steroid looked like, and if they failed their drug tests maybe it's because someone slipped something into their, uh, intravenous injections, and everyone will know it's a lie as big as their biceps. But dude, I don't think I would fuck with Barry Bonds. According to the stats on his website, the man is 6'2" and 230 pounds. And using steroids. If he said, "I don't use drugs," and punched his fist into his baseball glove, I think I'd say, "Whatever you say, Mr. Bonds," and run and hide behind a chair.

Let's Forget the Whole Ethics Thing

2006-03-29T00:42:00.000-05:00

Now this is the kind of news I like to hear: Senate Votes Down Outside Ethics Office. Calling an independent office to monitor ethics complaints against senators "superfluous," the Senate decided in a 67-30 vote that they can do whatever the hell they want and no one can tell them otherwise, except themselves, and hey, they're not saying anything.

This is the kind of bold, anti-bureaucratic move we need more of in Washington. I mean, who should know better than the senators themselves if they are corrupt? And believe me, they aren't. That whole Jack Abramoff thing? Sure, he was bribing Congressmen, but it's not like he was in Congress. The Senate is a lean, mean, efficient machine, and the last thing it needs is independent ethics commissions weighing it down.

Did I Say My Name Was Taylor? I Meant Tyler.

2006-03-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

The other day Nigeria announced that it would turn over ex-Liberian President and major-league asshole Charles Taylor for extradition to Sierra Leone to face war crimes charges, and now, lo and behold, he's gone missing. Oops. It's not clear in exactly what way he's missing, whether he fled or was abducted, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say he hotfooted it out of there. Taylor is one of the most horrendous human beings on the world stage in recent history, playing a key role in starting a war that killed 300,000 people, and seeing as how he's managed to avoid being held accountable thus far, I have a feeling he's pretty crafty, too. So maybe Nigeria could have handled this a little better, like, instead of giving him a head start by announcing they have a warrant for his arrest, perhaps they could have just gone straight to his lavish villa and arrested him. Just a thought.

Sunday Confidential

2006-03-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

I'm graduating in May with my MFA in writing, which means it's the heart of thesis season for me. I'm doing a collection of short stories, which is great and wonderful and all that, but it's hard for me to accept that I'm going to have to put these stories to bed. Even then they won't be finished, really, because at least a handful of them will hopefully be worth committing more time to, but I am struggling with the idea that when I turn them in to my advisor, they will be the mark of what I've accomplished during my time at grad school. Every story can use another draft, and at some point you have to decide that the next draft won't be a measurably better product. But that can be many many revisions away, and I know that at some point before that this thing is going to be due and I'm going to have to accept that it is what it is. On the plus side, I've been amazed at how exciting revision can be. I know, I know, I'm a big dork. But it's really thrilling to read a story I've written and see that it's not right yet, but I know what's wrong with it and have some ideas how to fix it. Good times, good times.

In Which I Say Rude, Sacrilegious Things

2006-03-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

(Warning: Garrett, you may not want to read this.)
I guess this story is heartwarming, I guess, though I think it's really mostly creepy and weird. This woman, Tanya, ran away from home ten years ago and was held indoors by the security guard from her middle school for four years only two miles from her father's home. Then her mother, who told amost no one that her daughter had disappeared at age 14, told her pastor and started praying for her return, and immediately thereafter, Tanya came back.

But I don't know. There are some major unanswered questions here.
1. Tanya disappeared ten years ago. The security guard held her for four years. What about the other six years?
2. How did this poor woman, who is only 24, get white hair?
3. USA Today is definitely implying that Tanya's mother's prayers are the reason for her return. Has this been fact checked?
4. Despite her mother's prayers being the direct cause of her return, Tanya doesn't appear to want to see her - they haven't met up yet. So can her mother threaten to pray to send her back?
5. What if the mother had prayed for a ham and cheese sandwich instead?

Bok-bok-bok-bok

2006-03-22T21:59:00.000-05:00

I feel bad for the five young women in Azerbaijan who died from the bird flu, but at least they have the special distinction of pushing the death toll over 100. These most recent victims were all female teenagers because they are customarily the ones tasked with defeathering dead birds.

When the bird flu hit France in February, it also hit the poultry industry hard, and French President Jacques Chirac went around publicly eating chicken to show how safe it is, blah blah blah. Well, that's great, and it's true that eating properly cooked chicken is safe, but, as these most recent deaths remind us, that doesn't really apply if you're the one cooking and handling the chicken. So while I fear that at a mere word from me the global poultry industry will collapse, I feel it is incumbent upon me to say, if you can, stay away from the dagnab chicken. Obviously.

'Sada' sounds suspiciously like 'Saddam'

2006-03-22T00:18:00.000-05:00

There's a guy who's been making the rounds of the radio and TV interviews: Georges Sada, who is the former number two in Saddam Hussein's air force and now author of the book Saddam's Secrets, which asserts that Saddam did have WMDs, but he transported them to Syria immediately before the war. Everyone who I've heard interview him, including Jon Stewart, has just totally softballed it, looking at this guy all googly-eyed like he just brought them a puppy.

Now, I'm sure that General Sada is a very smart, wonderful, charming man, but his schtick is just a little too much for me. He was fearless. He was the one person who could tell it like it was to Saddam. He never supported Hussein but thrived during the dictatorship. He's the only person who knows where the WMDs really are. He saw them moved, but of course didn't move them or authorize their movement himself. He saw Saddam engage in acts of torture and mass extermination, but never participated in such heinous acts himself.

How wonderfully convenient. The best thing is, he's Christian, and therefore he and the president can look into each other's souls. The guy must be a fucking saint! He's like the physical manifestation of George W. Bush's wet dreams! I'm waiting for someone, anyone to ask him the only question that matters: no, not 'did you just totally make this shit up?', but 'how long till coalition forces raid your offices and nail you for corruption?'

A Life Sentence Would Be Letting the Terrorists Win

2006-03-20T22:23:00.000-05:00

Wow, this trial just keeps getting better: FBI Witness in Moussaoui Trial Faults Superiors. Apparently the agent who arrested Zacarias Moussaoui was blocked by his FBI superiors from interviewing him to determine if he was involved with a terrorist cell, and then, after 9/11, the agent told that the attacks were "just a coincidence" that had nothing to do with Moussaoui.

I feel like that might not be so good for the prosecution's case, which is that Moussaoui should get the death penalty because he didn't tell anyone about the planned 9/11 attacks. Although seeing as how they didn't so much interview him, I guess it does prove that point in the most literal sense. But things are really not going so well for the prosecutors, who also got in trouble for coaching witnesses and lost the crucial testimony of some aviation officials. If I were a lawyer for the government (i.e. the prosecution), I think I'd try a new tactic: for example, lighting my hair on fire in the middle of a cross-examination and running out of the courtroom while tap dancing. Or something.

Sunday Confidential

2006-03-19T21:09:00.000-05:00

Hi, hi. So for once I'm actually going to say something very personal in my Sunday Confidential, even though it might not sound like it: I've taken up running. The reason this is so personal is that I suck at it, so it's a little embarrassing. It's probably better to call it jogging. Those of you who know me personally know that I prefer to, well, not move, so jogging is not a natural fit for me, but it's very exciting. It's both more empowering and more humiliating than I ever expected. It's empowering because when I started I could hardly even run for five minutes, and now I can go for forty; it's humiliating because I'm just so slow - I start out okay, but I usually end up like one of those old ladies going almost at walking pace while swinging their elbows and bending their knees. But it's all good, because I'm hanging in there, and one day I'm going to run for twenty-four hours straight. Wait, no I won't.

Don't Shoot! Eat Corned Beef!

2006-03-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

For Criminy Christmas, I was all excited to be a good blogger and then Blogger bailed on me, doing "maintenance" or whatever, and I couldn't get on. And now, while I appear to be able to create posts, I can't get any Blogger blogs to load. So who knows if you'll even see this. But still, we must soldier on.

Which brings me to my next point: US launches major Iraq offensive. Things like this just make me nervous. All the guns, shooting, planes, I get all itchy. You know what I do like, though? When the one peaceful region in Iraq turns violent. Wait, no. I don't like that either. The actual thing I actually like, actually, is that bishops have lifted the restriction on red meat on Fridays during Lent so that the entire nation can join together to eat corned beef on St. Patrick's Day tomorrow. I just love that. That all these people would feel compelled to wait for permission from a bishop in order to eat meat. It's cute!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, peoples. Let's not forget the real meaning of this special holiday, which is that Irish people eat gross food and are alcoholics.

One Count of Suckiness in the First Degree

2006-03-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

I am the worst, most irresponsible blogger ever! I hereby swear to never miss another day again. Okay, that's probably a lie, but I'm sorry to be so inconsistent lately. As I mentioned in Sunday Confidential, I'm in PA, and it turns out that eastern Pennsylvania is not (yet) covered in a blanket of wireless internet access, so I have been away from my bleedin' computer for almost 48 hours. Oh, how I have suffered. But my weekly column is up at Lost Writers today, and I should be back to regular posting asap.

The good news, though, is that another opportunity for international criminal trial mash-ups has arisen: Moussaoui plus Milosevic! Because the prosecution (i.e., the US government) improperly shared information with witnesses in the sentencing trial against Zacarias Moussaoui, the only person to be charged in the US in the 9/11 attacks, the trial will now go forward without those key witnesses. Milosevic's war crimes trial had to be stopped because it could not go forward without the man himself, who died on Saturday. So, we've got the evidence without a defendant in the one case, and a defendant without evidence in the other. Let's just put them together and have one big trial, with a charge broad enough to cover both cases, something like, He's Just Generally a Bad Person.

Sunday Confidential

2006-03-12T20:05:00.000-05:00

I'm at home in Pennsylvania, which is so lovely. The weather was, of course, stunning yesterday and gross today, but I love being awakened by the sound of chickens crowing in the yard and looking out to see the hills rolling away and the cat sunning herself on the roof of the barn. There are horses, and lots of funny dogs... sometimes I think I like animals more than I like people. I'm watching the Simpsons right now and Maggie just made friends with a semi-articulate ram who returned her lost pearl necklace. And if it can happen on the Simpsons...

I Counsel Patience

2006-03-10T00:37:00.000-05:00

hey doods, it's late. i'm like, such an old person. I have nothing to add, and you should be in bed, you naughty children. go check out LostWriters if you don't know what else to do with yourselves. i will return to you with fully charged, a-hole political commentary on Sunday, mmkay?

I Think I'll Have the Salad

2006-03-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

Another entry in the annal of weird animals I've recently heard about. And you wonder why I have nightmares. It's because of the hairy lobsters, people! I'm not even going to put a picture of this thing up, because I can't bear to look at it every time I load this page, and I think I would lose all my readers. But suffice it to say, there's a new blind, hairy lobster in town. It was discovered recently 900 miles south of Easter Island, which is way down there, and it was living 2300 meters deep on some hydrothermal vents.

If you want to see it you should click on the link above. If you don't want to see it, I don't blame you, and here is the best description I can give, only having looked at it through my fingers: it's got a small, very white, very hard-looking body in the shape of a teardrop, and according to the reports it only has the vestige of a membrane where the eye would be. Because what's he going to look at way down there anyway? It's like all dark and stuff. But the really exciting part is that its pincers--which, incidentally, seem more mitteny than pinchy--instead of being covered in an exoskeleton like the lobsters we know and love to eat, its pincers are covered in pale hair-like filaments called setae, giving its long, long arms the appearance of big ol' pipe cleaners. or some kind of goofy sweater that never quite took off.

A Diplomatic Solution? How Could You?

2006-03-07T16:04:00.000-05:00

Oh, the computer lab is so odious. But anyway.

Not surprisingly, as the referral of Iran to the UN Security Council moves ever closer this week, White House Issues Warning on Iran's Nuclear Ambitions. So garbled is this sentence. But the reason this is not surprising is that the head of the IAEA, Mohamed ElBaradei, suggested that it might be possible to find a diplomatic resolution to the issue of Iranian nuclear enrichment soon. And that is just not okay. If we reach a diplomatic solution, how can the U.S. invade? I mean, they're already a democracy, so we'd be just shit out of luck, huh?

2006-03-06T19:26:00.000-05:00

Friends...gasp....my... computer... is... gasp... gurgle... dying....

Actually just the battery and my charger seems to be a piece of poo. So I will write again, as soon as I get my strength back.

Sunday Confidential

2006-03-05T23:13:00.000-05:00

Why hello there! I'm watching the Oscars right now, which is boooooring. What's with all the nude women? I mean, nude dresses. Thought you'd missed something there, didn't you?

I've been feeling so weird the past few days. First really hyper and silly for like two days, which was fun, but then I became sad and depressed. I hate that. And I tried to go for a run today and pooped out after like ten minutes. But frankly, I have PMS, and I have a feeling that I'll be better in a couple of days. In the meantime, I think I'll just sleep all day long. Like I do every day.

I did have the great pleasure of going to Williamsburg this weekend, to my old neighborhood, which brought back some fine memories. I walked past this pizza place a few blocks away from my old apartment, and here is what I saw: a police car parked diagonally on the corner; a few feet away, a fire hydrant painted red, white, and green (for the old country); and directly next to the cop car and in front of the fire hydrant, a Mercedes. No ticket on the windshield. I love the mob.

Don't MineD if I Do

2006-03-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

From the New York Times: Senators Threaten to Intervene to Improve Mine Safety. Noooooo!!!! Don't do it!!! What a dastardly threat. For God's sake, don't intervene - what would become of us if you improved mine safety?

I Hear the Mountains are Real Pretty

2006-03-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

Perhaps you've heard the big news: Bush Makes "Surprise" Stop in Afghanistan on Way to India (quotes mine). I love the idea that this visit was a surprise. Just because it was a surprise to the media, and I guess to the American people, not that any of the American people really cared that he was going to India anyway, doesn't mean that it's actually a surprise. Look at those gorgeous podiums (podii?), that snazzy cap. This might have been a surprise to the New York Times, but someone called Karzai and told him to have his good suit ready. I guess my complaint is that it's more of the movie-star Bush persona - look how surprising he is! How dashing! How unpredictable! I fully understand the reasons for not announcing the visit ahead of time, BTW, as I'm sure the supposedly defunct Taliban would be more than happy for some advance notice, but what I don't understand is why the media feels the need to play up the President's twinkling valor for holding a press conference, just because it wasn't on their editorial calendars. And, from the opposite perspective, I am simply astounded by the fact that he had never been there before. I had sort of been under the impression that he went over there and personally attempted to "smoke out" Osama bin Laden. Yee-haw!

The Tuesday of Fatness

2006-02-28T23:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Fauschnaut Day! Having grown up in Pennsylvania, the Tuesday before Lent (i.e. Mardi Gras, i.e. Fat Tuesday, i.e. today) is always Fauschnaut Day to me, so named by the PA Dutch (i.e. Germans) because traditionally they always made donuts (i.e. fauschnauts) to use up their lard (i.e. yumminess) before the privations and abstemiousness of Lent, which begins tomorrow with Ash Wednesday. In Catholic School we always used to get donuts with lunch on this day. I love donuts, but I in fact prefer to spell it doughnuts.

Anyway, in a minor update to yesterday's post, in which I ingeniously tie together Mardi Gras and New Orleans with Ground Zero, all by listening to the news, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has defended the slow progress of rebuilding, saying,

"Let me remind you that after 9/11 in New York, it took them six to eight months to get out of the fog of what happened to them. And to date, there's still a big hole in the ground. So when I look at everything that's going on, I think we're right on schedule."

Sounds like a challenge to me! Mayor Nagin, you're on - but let's sweeten this deal a little. The competition will be between you and Mayor Bloomberg, and whoever has made more progress on rebuilding by the time you finish your respective terms will win the grand prize - you'll be named director of FEMA!

Shaking the Can for Ground Zero

2006-02-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

Hello, dear chaps, terribly sorry for not posting yesterday, terribly sorry. I was on an important secret mission, which I naturally cannot disclose at the risk of compromising national security. You understand.

Anyway, the New York Times reports today that donations for the Ground Zero memorial have slowed. You people just make me sick. The city is trying to honor the 3,000 who lost their lives on 9/11 with years of bickering, controversy, and false starts, and you can't even give them a few bucks to help them prolong the agony? It's pathetic, that's what it is. Just because many of those who lost loved ones are afraid to even enter the memorial (as currently planned) because it's terrifyingly far underground, that doesn't mean you shouldn't help it get built. Sure, the Drawing Center and the International Freedom Center have been forced off the site, leaving it culturally hollow, but does that mean you shouldn't have your name on a brick? Come on, people, it's like you don't want to be involved in the most torpid public project since, like, ever.

They Were Having Abortions Right in the Street

2006-02-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

When I read this article on South Dakota's new abortion ban, which passed with no trouble in the State Senate and which does not allow an exception for cases of rape or incest, I felt something kind of funny. Something kind of like a bad case of the bends, concluding with my head exploding.

So just to be clear, if you are a twelve year-old whose father rapes you in South Dakota, you will be required to bear the child who is both your son and your brother. How biblical.

Now, I have a suggestion, and while I recognize that it might be controversial, I think it might really contribute to the national debate on this challenging topic. The one exception to South Dakota's shiny new law is that abortion will be permitted in cases where the life of the mother is in danger (not her health, mind you, just her life). So I think women should go into the sole clinic where abortions are performed in the state of SD and hold guns to their heads and say they are going to shoot themselves unless they get an abortion. As any good politician knows, there's always a loophole.

Who A.E.?

2006-02-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

I've kept quiet up till now about a company owned by the Dubai government purchasing a British shipping company that operates the Port of New York, as well as five other American ports, mainly because the whole thing is very confusing to me. Or, rather, the issue itself is not confusing to me; I'm confused by the fact that I agree with the administration. (I'd say the President except that he found out from the news that the deal had been approved, so I'm not sure he was all that involved with the decision.)

While I'm not at all impressed with the way the guvment went about this whole thing, seeing as they failed to consult the NYPD and I (as well as many people who actually know what they're talking about) trust the NYPD as much as or more than the FBI and CIA in some counterterrorism efforts, I don't think a British or German or American company is necessarily so much more secure than one from the UAE. Glass houses and all that. I think the nationality of the countries operating in our ports is the least of our problems, frankly. I could go on, but thinking about terrorism and stuff is so booooring.

Support the Iraq Body Count

2006-02-21T22:39:00.000-05:00

This is a totally not funny topic. But sometimes we have to just not be funny. Sorry.

As perhaps you're aware, there's a website called Iraq Body Count that is keeping track of Iraqi civilian deaths since the U.S. invasion in 2003. As far as I know, they provide the only publicly available count (whereas the Bush administration claimed for a while to not even be keeping count), and while IBC has an anti-war perspective, their tally is actually very conservative, based only on reported, cross-checked deaths. But the thing is, they're running out of money. Their research takes a significant amount of manpower and time, and so, especially in light of the high death tolls of the last two days, I'm asking you to consider making a donation so that they continue work that is so important to filling out the hazy picture we have of what's going on in Iraq. Just click on the above link to go to their site.

Also, while I'm on the topic, the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count is another thorough resource, with tallies of American and coalition fatalities by date, as well as information on the wounded, non-military (i.e. journalists and contractors) casualties, and Iraqi military/police casualties. It's the kind of information that removes some of the inevitable abstractions of the venture. They, too, accept donations.

Tomorrow, a joke about a priest, a rabbi, and a talking donkey.

Speak no evil

2006-02-21T00:05:00.000-05:00

Ah, friends, the hour is getting late. Be sure to check out the brand spankin' new Lost Writers today to see my very first column on the sneaky branding tactics of rodents!

So this British "historian" was sentenced to three years in prison in Austria for denying the existence of the Auschwitz gas chambers. Now, I'm all for embarrassing and inconveniencing people who make such idiotic claims as suggesting that the Holocaust never happened (though the defendant, David Irving, claims to have "moderated" his views), but I don't feel so great about putting such obnoxious people in jail. Or, more specifically, I don't feel so great about making Holocaust denial a crime. I know I can't really understand the fear and discomfort around the topic in the countries where Nazism was born and the Holocaust was carried out, but I know that repressing people's right to say what they think, even when it's astoundingly dumb and hurtful, is the first step towards limiting the rights of free speech that are the only weapon we have against these jackasses running the world. Wait, am I allowed to say that?

Let all of this be a warning to memoir-falsifier James Frey: if you don't want to really go to jail (as opposed to lying about going to jail), I'd keep your bad ass out of Europe.

Sunday Confidential

2006-02-19T20:54:00.000-05:00

Hey ladies and fellas, I have some exciting news: tomorrow, February 20, marks the launch of lostwriters.net, a brand new web magazine for which I am a staff writer. The site will be updated every day with a column by a "found voice" (such as myself) and a plethora of articles on politics, sports, sex & relationships, and reviews of art, books, film, music, and food. So the whole shebang, is what I'm saying. I'll be writing every Tuesday -- my column will be about consumerism, so check in over there, too!

I wanted to write about consumerism because so often our identity as consumers supersedes everything. I think our relationship to that identity is very complicated -- on the one hand, the desire to consume is practically hardwired in our psyches, and corporations do everything they can to cultivate it and manipulate it. On the other hand, the more time we spend thinking about things and thinking about buying things, the dumber it makes us. And of course, the insane level of production happening around the world is destructive to the environment, labor standards, and human rights. But that doesn't mean that sometimes we don't really want those hot new shoes. That dilemma plays out in so many different ways throughout our lives, and that's what I am going to write about. The end.

He's Beautiful on the Inside

2006-02-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

I know I'm a little belated in posting about this, but the Westminster Dog Show was earlier this week, and Best In Show honors went to the colored bull terrier, Rufus.

Now, I am very happy for Rufus. As far as I can tell he's a brilliant, good-natured dog. And, you know, determining the character of dogs solely from their photographs happens to be a specialty of mine. But I feel compelled to express my serious doubts about the judging process. The judges have said that they awarded the silver bowl to Rufus because of the perfect egg shape of his head. However, this does not negate the fact that he is an ugly-ass dog. Just look at him:

Sure, he's got a great smile, but choosing Rufus as best in show just because he's the most attractive example of the least attractive breed of dog on the planet is like giving the Oscar to Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo because it was an exemplar of lame sequel production.

And I hate to break it to you, but I don't think you can really improve Rufus's self-esteem by giving him prizes - he knows he's ugly, and he knows you feel sorry for him and that's the only reason he won. You're going to have to assuage your guilt about the time you told your kid he'd never make it in the dog show judging business some other way.

photo by Kathy Willens/AP

Fried Chicken in the Thermostat

2006-02-15T22:20:00.000-05:00

Westward, ho! Bird flu continues its westward expansion through Europe.

However, there is an exciting development in the fight against bird flu: LG Electronics will begin selling air conditioners with a filter treated with a substance extracted from kimchi. Supposedly this anti-bacterial substance will block the bird flu virus. In other news, researchers suggest that putting scrambled eggs in your showerhead eliminates mercury and miso soup in your gas tank reduces CO2 emissions.

(Link via Boing Boing)

Least Favorite Olympic Athletes

2006-02-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

God damn it. I just did this whole long post, and it was so hilarious, there were dogs on skis, you would have been rolling on the floor. But you will never see that post, because my browser crashed. Instead I'll do a eulogy for Mother Teresa. Just kidding. I'll do my carefully considered roundup of Least Favorite Olympic Athletes, garnered by approximately 28 minutes of watching the Games.

1) Gold: Bode Miller. I know, he's predictable, a go-to, really, but I mean, he has to medal in something. So there we go. Gold medal in arrogance, hot air, choking under pressure, and handsome, smoky gazes.

2) Silver: French figure skating guy. I missed his name, sorry. But the reason I hate him is because he just did this James Bond routine and he was wearing a leotard designed to look like a suit, with a black glove on one hand, 007 written on the back of the leotard (in case it wasn't obvious, which it's not, because it sort of looks like Michael Jackson from the Thriller days), and all this arm waving, which I believe is supposed to be an artistic gesture representing shooting guns. Ridiculous.

3) Bronze: Shaun White. I don't hate Shaun White, actually. He's kind of a goofy adorable stoner type with long red locks. But I'm jealous of his high, beautifully defined cheek bones.

* Honorable mention: the guy "Baby Huey" who screams at the American men's downhill skiiers at the gate at the beginning of their races. Apparently he's an unofficial motivator guy, but I think Ted Ligety won the gold tonight because he was just trying to get away from Baby Huey as fast as could.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

2006-02-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

This very moment I am heaving a gigantic sigh at my computer screen. It sounds something like this: huuuuuuunnnnnnhhhhh. I'd throw an orange or something, but I like my computer too much. The cause? U.S. and Israelis Are Said to Talk of Hamas Ouster. Now, far be it from me to say whether political parties that call for the destruction of other countries should be allowed to govern (although there doesn't seem to be any prohibition against governments that actually destroy countries, as opposed to just talking about it), but how many times does the United States need to learn its lesson? Trying to force disfavored leaders out with monetary pressure doesn't work (Cuba or pre-invasion Iraq being good examples). Destabilizing countries in one's own interest (like, all of Latin America during the 1970s) inevitably backfires. Daarrgghh! Who runs this country? Oh. Right.

Sunday Confidential

2006-02-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

We're under two feet of snow here in the city of New York: a day for curling up in bed with hot chocolate and a good book. So with that in mind, herewith I offer you a book review of Ghost Town, by Patrick McGrath.

Ghost Town is a collection of three novellas; all are about Manhattan (below 23rd Street), all are told by a first-person narrator who is not the protagonist, and all three have ghosts. They share a dark moodiness that forms a thread through all of the stories. The first novella, "The Gibbet," is the best, I think. The narrator tells the story of his childhood during the revolutionary period in New York, and how his mother was killed as a traitor by the British. It's raw, visceral, with murky smells of death and rot. The man feels responsible for her death, and as he tells the story, he waits for his own death to claim him during the 1832 cholera epidemic. "Julius" tells the tragic decline of the wealthy Van Horn family by the patriarch's denial of Julius's love, and "Ground Zero" tells of a psychiatrist's struggle with ideas of good and evil as her patient falls for a woman in the days after 9/11.

I give it 4.7 out of 5 - the writing is so mournful, so full of buried terror of the unknown, so intimate - like it's whispering in your ear.

For Christ's Sake, I'm On Vacation! I'm Already at the Beach. Oh, you said BREACH.

2006-02-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

Welcome, Gawker friends! We are a peaceful, lazy people over here at Gurgly, and apparently the folks at Blogger want it that way, because they're about to take me off line for a "scheduled outage," so I don't have time for a long post.

But speaking of lazy, the Bush Administration was apparently informed of the levee breach the day before they were supposedly told and a day before most major news outlets were aware of the damage, but they couldn't be bothered to do anything about it, because Dick Cheney was too busy ordering the Plame leak (yes, I know my timeline is completely cracked), Chertoff was battling back the Mexicans rushing our borders, and Bush was, where else, on vacation.

Fashion Week Redux

2006-02-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

I know it's not Sunday (lord, do I know it), but I felt that I couldn't remain silent. As you may know, it's Fashion Week in New York, just in case you felt like there wasn't enough really important stuff for us to think about. So naturally, I was scanning the slide shows at The New York Times and The L.A. Times, when I came across this photo:

The Deadly Omahyra!

I have done battle with this Omahyra, and as you can see from the picture, I am lucky to have escaped relatively unscathed. It was the spring collection, 2002 (or thereabouts), at Nicole Miller. Through an unusual string of circumstances, I was enlisted to dress models backstage for the show. This entails pretty much what you might imagine - putting clothes on the lovely mannequins before they trip out onto the runway. Time is short and the clothes can be complicated, and if you mess up your model plus Nicole will string you up by your hair and let Cathy Horyn laugh at your jeans. Omahyra was my charge, the model I was to dress. Things were going fine until, during a quick change, with a mere 73 seconds left before she was due back out on the runway, we were pitched into a heated battle over whether the deep cowl dress had the drape in the front or the back, and Omahyra took out her giant gantlet-gloved hands and punched me in the face and ran away. I sank to the ground, seeing stars and the Nicole Miller signature pattern flash before my eyes. And she had the cowl in the front! A sad day for fashion everywhere. But I'm fortunate to be alive, considering the massive power of those enormous hands.

*I kid, of course. Omahyra was fabulous and lovely. When she punched me it hardly hurt at all.

photo by Mark Mainz / Getty Images

I'll Supersize That

2006-02-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I never. Turns out that a low-fat diet doesn't reduce your cancer risk:

Those assigned to a low-fat diet had the same rates of breast cancer, colon cancer, heart attacks and strokes as those who ate whatever they pleased, researchers are reporting today.

As someone who usually falls in the second category, I guess this is good. But disquieting.

Nevertheless, this is thrilling news for fast food restaurants everywhere. I extend my sympathies to the brussels sprouts industry.

God Bless Cuba

2006-02-06T23:22:00.000-05:00

Around the world people are rioting, embassies are burning, the Attorney General testified on NSA surveillance, and the President submitted a budget that cuts 140 social programs and taxes for the rich, but the news that really caught my eye was that Cuba and the US have gone mano a mano in a heated propaganda battle.

The brief version is as follows: the US mission put up an electronic signboard posting news and human rights messages with quotes from people like Abraham Lincoln and Mahatma Gandhi. Cuba responded by blocking its view with a mysterious construction project and putting up anti-American billboards. Today, the mysterious construction project was revealed -- 138 flag poles, each flying a black flag with a single white star to commemorate Cubans killed by the actions of the American government. Conveniently, these flags block the signboard from view.

Man, you have to love the unfree press. Without investigative journalism you have so much more capacity for surprise; without dissent there's no public opinion to stop you from doing hilarious stuff like this. I love it. Maybe Americans could adopt this tactic - pro-lifers could plant trees in front of abortion clinics, and the separation of church and state folks could beam quotes from the Constitution onto displays of the Ten Commandments.

Sunday Confidential

2006-02-05T22:51:00.001-05:00

In my continuing quest to visit the museums of every borough, I went to the Brooklyn Museum on Saturday; however, due to time constraints, I didn't actually see any art.

On the first Saturday of every month, the museum hosts a free dance party with a different kind of music, and I have to say, I think this is one of the most "New York" things I have done in the city. This month it was '80s music, and the mix of people was really amazing - despite the diversity of the city, it usually happens that we spend most of our time with people who look and act a lot like us. But at the museum, there were kids, teenagers, people in their forties and fifties, white, black, and brown people, straight, gay; I know, I'm starting to sound like an ad. But besides the dj playing PYT and some kickass Prince, here are some of the highlights:

:: The woman and her friend who came with their five kids and entertained them by singing every word of every song.
:: The beautiful black woman dancing with the chumpiest, whitest, worst-dancing white guy I've ever seen.
:: A large selection of middle aged guys impressing their ladies with their slick moves - slides, shimmies, and spins.
:: A woman in African tribal dress.
:: A fifty-person conga line.
:: Kids wrestling on the raised octagon in the center of the big rotunda while the rest of us danced around them.

It was a great time, and despite the fact that I didn't see any art on this particular trip, I have had the pleasure of visiting the Brooklyn Museum before, and they have a wonderful collection. The Egyptian art is great, they have a new visible storage center, and the building itself is beautiful - as we came out of the subway, the sky was misty and the lights shone on the facade, a combination of the original neoclassical marble and the new renovations, which expose the brick foundations and and an added glass lobby. A lovely place.

Sunday Confidential

2006-02-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Shadows

2006-02-02T23:06:00.000-05:00

Ah, golly. So, as you might have heard, Representative John A. Boehner (as you might also have heard, that's pronounced BAY-ner) of Ohio was elected as House majority leader today, beating out acting leader and DeLay buddy Roy Blunt, Jr. in a bit of an upset seen as a reflection of Republican concern over voter concern at all that corruption nonsense.

It's sort of sad that Boehner is seen as the squeaky clean guy in this race, because in 1995 he passed out checks from the tobacco lobby on the House floor before a vote. And while I don't want to seem all prude or anything, isn't that kind of, like, shady?

In related news, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today, and wrote bad poetry. Dark days, my friends, dark days.

Babylon and Flying to Heaven on a Chicken's Back

2006-02-01T22:47:00.000-05:00

Most of the political nation seems to be suffering from a SOTU hangover. I think there should be a rule that if the speech doesn't even interest Republicans, no one should be allowed to talk about it. The most interesting thing is the Battle of the Bereaved Parents, with Cindy Sheehan getting arrested outside the SOTU and the father of Army Sgt. Mike Mitchell, killed in Iraq, speaking out as well. Inside the House, the parents and widow of Marine Staff Sgt. Dan Clay supported the President in supporting the troops.

Anyway. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse... Iraq has caught the bird flu. On the bright side, the lethal environment may be inhospitable to the H5N1 virus - what with all the explosions and the like. On the downside, given the unusually high traffic between Iraq and the United States right now, it does seem like a kind of obvious way for the virus to spread, no? A soldier/contractor/Halliburton lobbyist travels from Iraq to the US, and all of sudden we're all clutching our throats and vomiting up our anuses. Or whatever it is that happens when you get the bird flu.

A Day's Miscellany

2006-01-31T21:29:00.000-05:00

Right at this very moment, the President is giving his annual State of the Union address. I could tell you about it, but just hearing his voice kind of makes my ears glaze over, and anyway, you've heard it four times before, so what the hell.

Anyway, more important things are happening: Italy's Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has announced that he will abstain from sex until his country's election on April 9. Bravo, bravissimo, signore! What a brave, brave man our ally in the War on Terror is. From what I've heard about the guy, he should consider giving up sex forever, so as not to add more little Berlusconis (Berlusconii?) to the earth's already overburdened population.

On a more serious note, Coretta Scott King, wife of Dr. Martin Luther King, has died. Let's hope that the spirit she embodied will be defended in the years to come, and inspire a new generation of people who believe in her vision.

Order in the Court!

2006-01-30T22:09:00.001-05:00

Darlings, I am so terribly sorry for my absence yesterday - I know there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth all over the world for the last twenty-four hours. Take a deep breath, everything is okay now.

As the Enron trial gets underway and the Saddam Hussein trial continues to, uh, do whatever it's doing, I'd like to suggest a new reality show: ORDER IN THE COURT!

In this fast-paced show, the Enron and Saddam trials will take place in adjoining courtrooms during the day. At night, the judges, defendants, and lawyers all live together in one big house. Crazy hijinx ensue: is Saddam ever going to do his dishes? Does Ken Lay know that Judge Raouf Abdel Rahman has a thing for the disgraced exec's wife? Which one of the lawyers left the milk out on the counter? Who will win the Hussein-Enron pickup basketball game, and how will it affect the outcome of the trial?

The juries, meanwhile, will of course be sequestered, so as not to be influenced by who looks better in the shower or talks more smack behind each other's back.

Frey-baby

2006-01-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

So, just to fill you in, if you're not a big dork like me, there's been this scandal over James Frey's "memoir" A Million Little Pieces, because he made all the good parts up. Probably no one would care, except that the book was selected for Oprah's Book Club and instantly became a best-seller, so now several million people, some of whom have actually read the book, feel angry, conflicted, betrayed, or completely uninterested.

Oprah, on the other hand, is nothing if not interested. When the story broke and Frey went on Larry King - with his mother, of all people - Oprah called to say she supported him, blah blah blah. But then she got to thinking, and started feeling kind of mad, tricked even, and she had Frey on the show today to give him a piece of her mind.

I have to confess that I've never watched Ms. Winfrey's show, except maybe once - I think it was one of those car giveaway dealies - but she's my new favorite person on television. Not that, in the end, it makes a big difference one way or the other. But Frey's whole shtick was about how tough he was - his crazy fights in jail, his Novocaine-less root canal, all kinds of crazy shit - and Oprah made him pee his pants like a little baby. Tee hee.

Avert Thine Eyes

2006-01-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

Hello mon cheries! The Pope issued his first encyclical today on the theme of love. That's nice and all, but come on, look at this guy:

I think he when he rides his coal-black stallion over a meadow of grassy spring flowers, all that passes beneath his feet withers and dies - what does he know about love?

But anyway, if you are interested in what this so-called Pope has to say, well, you're going to have to look somewhere else. Because, according to the Times, "The encyclical, called "God Is Love," did not mention issues that divide Catholics, like abortion, homosexuality, contraception and divorce." Without these sexy topics, I can't really be put out to learn more about what God's Voice on Earth has to say.

Busted Skeleton

2006-01-24T22:55:00.000-05:00

I was shocked, shocked! to read this headline in the Times:

Skeleton Coach Will Not Go To Turin

My wonder came not at the fact that the coach, Tim Nardiello, has been found by the US Olympic Committee to have committed "inappropriate interactions" just one day after an arbitrator said that he had not committed sexual harrassment. No, it's because, what the hell is a skeleton team??? I picture a seven foot tall pile of bones figure skating or ambling down a ski jump, competing against the undead of Italy, Germany, and China, then awkwardly mounting the podium to receive the gold and the wreath of laurels on his bony head. Go, skeleton, go!

I guess more than anything I'm just disappointed. When I was about sixteen I had to accept that I was never going to be an Olympic champion, as I excelled in no sports and was already getting too old to pick something up. But if only I had known there was a skeleton team, I totally could have rocked that shit! I was a damn skinny kid - a little doping and I could have made skeleton weight no problem. Oh well. Opportunities lost...

Oh, wait. I just looked it up on Wikipedia, which says:

Skeleton is an individual, sledding, winter sport where competitors drive the sled in a prone, head-first position down an ice track on a sled or 'sleigh'.

Uh, that sounds scary. Nevermind.

Sorry, Can You Speak Up? The Wiretappers Can't Hear You

2006-01-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

The Bush Administration has launched a vigorous campaign to convince the American people that listening in on their phones without a warrant is, in fact, a good thing, instead of a creepy 1984/McCarthy era tactic, as previously believed.

I would like to applaud the President and friends for openly acknowledging their efforts to sway public opinion. Normally, in lieu of press conferences there would simply be tapes from enthusiastic "reporters" mailed to local news stations and supportive columns from journalists receiving undisclosed payouts from the government. So well done, comrades, well done! We've entered a new era of transparency, except for the fact that you are secretly spying on so many people with absolutely no connection to terrorism that even the FBI doesn't want your stupid "tips" anymore. Baby steps, baby steps.

Sunday Confidential

2006-01-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

So I decided that, following the success of last week's visit to the Bronx Museum, I would visit each borough's official museum, so today was the day of the Queens Museum. It's an interesting place, because the fact that they're a relatively new institution (created after the New York 1964 World's Fair) means that their collection is more eclectic, less reified and less canonist, if that's a word, than the collections at more established museums. Also, the Queens Museum has filled a function that I have a feeling no one would handle without them: memorializing both the 1939 and 1964 New York world's fairs. The surrealism pavilion, the plaster cast of the Pieta and the like are things that no one else would probably find necessary to document, but that are a really bizarre and fascinating cultural document. All of Flushing Meadows Corona Park is, in fact, basically a testament to the world's fairs. The setup of the park is both nationalistic and continental, with flag-lined plazas and long, broad, boulevards, and mosaics in the walkways documenting time capsules, Elsie the cow, the museum building, and the like. There's the Unisphere, a big globe-type thing where kids skateboard, and all kinds of weird retro 1960s futuristic buildings. And I've never seen a park full of so many people who are so busy: people playing tennis, praciticing dance routines, playing soccer, and whatnot. I was like, where's the barbecue?

The piece de resistance of the Queens Museum is the Panorama of the City of New York, a massive architectural model built by Robert Moses for the 1964 World's Fair that includes every building in every borough. Updated in 1992, it's fascinating, kitschy, and remarkable. If you're not a New Yorker or perhaps a bit Manhattan-centric, the panorama gives you a wonderful sense of the unexpected scale of the city, the unknown islands, the endless density.

All that said, and as interesting as the whole thing was, it took a full hour in each direction on the subway, and while there was some very lovely art, I can't see myself making the trek again soon unless something special goes up. I'll give it 2.7 stars out of five.

The Repeater

2006-01-19T22:44:00.000-05:00

Osama bin Laden, everybody's favorite fugitive terrorist, released a new tape, promising more attacks against the United States and offering a vague truce of some kind where Bush and bin Laden go duck hunting together on the President's Crawford, TX ranch.

In the tape, Mr. bin Laden addressed the American people directly, saying of his supporters, "Our situation is getting better while yours is getting worse."

The Bush administration replied with the usual schtick: Cheney said, "We don't negotiate with terrorists," and McClellan said, "We are winning. Clearly Al Qaeda and the terrorists are on the run, and that is why it is important that we do not let up, and do not stop, until the job is done," and, "We continue to act on all fronts to win the war on terrorism, and we will. The president is fully committed to do everything within his power to prevent attacks, and to defeat the terrorists. We are taking the fight to the enemy, we are working to advance freedom and democracy, to defeat their evil ideology."

In a surprise development, it was then revealed that the authentication of the bin Laden tape was actually an error, as the CIA realized that bin Laden had made an identical speech one year ago. Just minutes after the announcement, though, it was retracted. A CIA spokesperson said, "Sorry, it wasn't bin Laden's speech that we'd heard before, it was the Bush administration's. Those guys sure know how to stay on message."

No Head Ted

2006-01-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

As the Newark Star-Ledger put it, today THE CORZINE ERA BEGINS!!!!!! (exclamation points mine). Jon Corzine was inaugurated as the 54th governor of New Jersey yesterday, making pledges to restore the public's trust in government. We all know where those promises lead... if he follows the example of promise-predecessors Nixon, Bush 43, and Gay American Jim McGreevey, we can expect to find Corzine blowing rails with his old Goldman-Sachs-turned-lobbyist pals on a copy of the state constitution in the Governor's mansion within a year or two.

Since Corzine had to give up his Senate seat in order to assume the governorship, he appointed House Rep. Robert Menendez to finish out his term. In a moving swearing-in ceremony to install Menendez in the Senate, Alaska Republican and President Pro-Tem Ted Stevens (aka "Bridge to Nowhere Ted") managed to mispronounce the name of every major player, including his former colleague Jon Corzine (Cor-ZEEN, according to BTNT) and future colleague Robert Menendez (or Mendez, if you're the senior Senator from Alaska). Now, it's not like me to get all worked up for nothing, but do you think he would have mispronounced the names if, say, Dennis Hastert were replacing Mike DeWine?

Death With Dignity or Food for Polar Bears?

2006-01-17T22:48:00.000-05:00

Well, gosh, today's news is boooooring. The main story seems to be that the Supreme Court won't allow the federal government to block Oregon's Death With Dignity Act.

While I understand (sort of) why the idea of physician-assisted suicide rubs some people the wrong way, I guess, actually, no wait, I don't understand. A mere thirty people loosed their mortal bonds through assisted suicide last year; more than twice as many people are executed by the government every year. I think we should look at this more like the not-quite-apocryphal Inuit practice of sending off their old to die on ice floes, or the common practice of some animals to go off and die alone - an individual choice made in the context of society. It's a lonely business: why not let people make their own decisions about it?

Anyway, this seems to be an addition to the funny states' rights issues I was mentioning yesterday. But different. We all want the states to have more control when they're doing things we agree with (in the Republicans' case, restricting abortion rights) and the federal government to take over when they're not (right to die, medical marijuana). And vice versa.

States' "Rights"

2006-01-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

I know today is a national holiday, but since every day is Saturday in Gurglyland, I'm going to post anyway. You can all breathe a sigh of relief now. However, I spent most of the day in bed due to a stomach ailment (go ahead, shed a tear), so I'm not sure what I'm going to say, exactly, but let's see what develops.

Well, there's this: the new Medicare prescription program is effed! Not that this comes as a surprise to most people. But the president has chosen to deal with the problems, which include low income people also enrolled in Medicaid being told to pay full price for their prescriptions and pharmacy employees being put on hold for hours when they call the Medicare helpline for answers, by telling other people to fix them for him.

The actions came after several states declared public health emergencies, and many states announced that they would step in to pay for prescriptions that should have been covered by the federal Medicare program.

Ah, the good sense of Republicans. They believe in the power of the states, and they keep proving it over and over, by repeatedly dropping the ball and forcing the states to pick it up. Nice work!

Sunday Confidential

2006-01-15T23:06:00.000-05:00

Get thee to the Bronx Museum!

I know you've never been there, and neither has anyone else, and the reason I know this is because when I walked in the door, the woman at the desk said, "Can I help you?" like we were the first people to ever visit the museum.

But as a matter of fact, they have a truly excellent exhibit up right now, in a lovely, well-designed space. It's called Irreducible: something blah blah something, and it's a collection of short video pieces, some of which are totally awesome. First of all, I liked the way the different pieces were displayed: different formats - projectors, monitors, TVs - and different sizes gave the show variety despite the uniformity of medium. And there was some really smart, innovative work: the best was Hundredweight, a row of six monitors by Wood and Harrison, each running six different clips (for a total of 36) looking down on a man in a room, a totally white space, where he uses different objects and equipment to construct (and deconstruct) ideas of painting, space, and dimension. It's constantly funny and surprising. Other highlights were Song Dong's Walking Through the Mirror, where he films both sides of a mirror reflecting a naval crew of some kind as he smashes it with a sledgehammer and walks through it; Jennifer Allora and Guillermo Calzadilla's Returning a Sound, in which a man rides a motorbike through the Puerto Rican town (and former US bombing test site) of Vieques with a trumpet attached to the exhaust, making music as he rides; and Algonquin Park, Early March, by Mark Lewis, in which a slowly receding camera reveals a beautiful and unexpected scene.

So check it out, fellas... I know, I know, you think it's like a million miles away, but if you take the express you can get there in 45 minutes, or your money back! (Offer not available in Staten Island).

Burp Tree

2006-01-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

The world's plants are "belching" methane, reports New Scientist:

Globally, living plants produce between 63 and 236 million tonnes of methane per year, with plant debris adding another 1 to 7 million tonnes. This would make plants responsible for roughly 10 to 30 per cent of global methane production.

Now, leaving the totally unacceptable spelling of "tons" aside, I have to say, I sympathize with the trees. I belch a lot, I'll say between 1.4 and 6.6 million "tonnes" per year, and really, it doesn't make me any happier than anyone else. Do you think I want to be a methane plant? I bloody well don't think so! I mean, I'm killing trees here, and they're killing the planet!

Goddamn trees.

Photo by Frederik Vandaele

Gaza Strip 700 Club

2006-01-11T22:37:00.000-05:00

Pat Robertson has managed to insert himself into major news event of the last 5 years by saying that Catastrophe X was a caused by divine retribution (i.e., homosexuals and feminists = 9/11; loose living and being black = Hurricane Katrina; teaching science = Dover, PA's imminent destruction, and so on). But now he's gone one step too far: he's suggested that Ariel Sharon's stroke is divine punishment for pulling out of Gaza.

From the New York Times:

"God considers this land to be his," Mr. Robertson said Thursday on his television program, "The 700 Club." "For any prime minister of Israel who decides he will carve it up and give it away, God said, 'No, this is mine, just like Pat Robertson's gold-plated jet and Swiss bank account are his, so don't let the government take it away from him because he's a fraudulent bastard.''"

Uh, Pat? The Jews are God's CHOSEN PEOPLE, biznatch, and they don't get divine retribution, they give it. Which is what they did when they laid the smack down on you and your kooky evangelical spa or whatever it is.

Alito Lito Bobito

2006-01-10T21:41:00.000-05:00

So I've been listening to the Alito Supreme Court confirmation hearings on the radio today, and boy, is it boring. Oh, sorry, I meant, boy, is it an exciting demonstration of the confirmation process. I must have accidentally typed that with my head when it hit the keyboard.

To be sure, there are lots of intriguing issues like the reach of executive power, abortion, individual rights, and stare decisis, but when something's a foregone conclusion, as Alito's confirmation is, as long as no word comes out about his involvement with Rick Santorum in an underground bestiality ring, the back and forth loses some of its... pizzazz. Not to mention the fact that the senators seemed to spend most of their time quizzing Alito on patently congressional issues or asking him whether he likes his mother in law. Oh yeah, and if he'll overturn Roe v. Wade or give the President blanket authority to do whatever the hell he wants, whenever he wants it. Not like the President's waiting for Alito's go-ahead.

News Roundup for Chronic Hiccupers

2006-01-09T21:49:00.000-05:00

During my time away, and then for a blessed day after I got back to the States, I did not read a single newspaper, log onto the internet, listen to the radio, or otherwise exercise my responsibility to be an aware citizen. So I thought it might behoove me to do a quick roundup of major news items from the last ten days or so.

1. Ariel Sharon had a stroke and has been in a medically induced coma, from which he is now being awakened.
2. 12 miners died in a tragic mishap in West Virginia.
3. Hundreds of Iraqis and scores of American soldiers have been killed through an intensified suicide bombing campaign in Iraq.
4. Tom DeLay agreed to step down as House Majority Leader because Jack Abramoff has agreed to spill the beans on their sordid arrangements.
5. A rogue CIA agent tried to stop the assassination of a middle eastern royal by his own agency. Oh, wait, that was a movie I saw the other day.

Fortunately it seems I've gotten back just in time for a new burst of avian flu, the plight of chronic hiccupers, Alito's confirmation hearings, and nuclear posturing from Iran. Good times, good times.

Sunday Confidential

2006-01-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

Bienvenidos! I've missed you, my dearest friends. My absence has been fraught with activity, though: besides the usual holiday hubbub, I took a completely amazing trip to Chile. I sort of don't know where to start, I feel like I couldn't describe it without writing a a really boring book. But here are some highlights:
:: Did you know that Chile, on South America's Pacific Coast, is east of the east coast of the United States? It's two hours later there.
:: It's summer in Chile now, and the weather is warm and dry, in the 80s during the day and cool at night.
:: The wedding which was the impetus for our trip took place on the outskirts of Santiago on New Year's Eve. The bride and groom were glowing (really!) and performed the ceremony in Spanish, French and English for the benefit of their international families and guests. The bride's 97 year-old grandmother came from Nice and instantly bonded with the groom's 90 year-old Chilean grandmother. Then we danced outside under the stars until three in the morning.
:: Chile has a wonderful law that all of its thousands of miles of coastline are public property, and it's stunningly beautiful, with sandy beaches, dramatic cliffs, and mountains that look like they'll slide right into the sea.
:: 20 adults can share a beach house for five days in something closely resembling harmony.
:: Fresh fish, delicious fruits and vegetables, and excellent Chilean wine... mmmm.
:: The aforementioned 20 adults are an amazing group of people: artists, architects, philosophers, writers, human rights lawyers, designers, filmmakers, and so on. Impromptu dance parties, pranks, and laughter abounded.

Santiago Confidential

2005-12-28T08:50:00.000-05:00

Hey Pals, I forgot to tell you I'm not going to post for a little while. Today I'm off to Santiago de Chile, where everyone stands on their heads. I'll return to Gurgly somewhere around the 8th of January, but I will be thinking constantly about all of you the whole time I'm gone. Happy New Year!

Jailhouse Blues

2005-12-22T20:06:00.000-05:00

Who the hell is running this damn Saddam Hussein trial? It seems like they're in session even less than Congress -- after two days of testimony, they've adjourned for another month -- but at least it's twice as entertaining. Saddam seems to be doing a screen test for his new role as Crazy McCrazerson, and so far he looks like a shoo-in. His latest complaints, that the American troops guarding him have beaten his and his co-defendants, are not entirely implausible, but what he doesn't realize is that no one gives a damn. And even if there is evidence of some kind of bodily injury, it could just as easily have come from those spiders in that hole he was hiding in.

Dishonest Abramoff

2005-12-21T21:57:00.000-05:00

Jack Abramoff, the worst Indian-fucker since Andrew Jackson, is in talks with prosecutors to plead guilty to fraud charges in exchange for cooperation in investigations of Congressional fraud. Abramoff was left with little choice when his cohorts turned on him faster than you can say three free shrimp, but as a result, I predict that we're about to learn some seamy and shocking information about some of our nation's most respected, ahem, I mean powerful, politicians. Rep. Robert W. Ney (R-Ohio), has already been informed by investigators that he may be indicted on a bribery charge, and the already-indicted Tom DeLay and Abramoff have already been linked, but what other goodies will be found in Abramoff's house of secrets?

Let's see...
:: Alaskan senator Ted Stevens promised Inuits three sealskins each if they would go wait on those ice floes over there while he looks for something he left under the ice.

:: Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum paid Abramoff $3 million to keep their weekly gay sex sessions "on the down low"

:: Abramoff was instrumental in getting the Chevron oil tanker named "Condoleezza Rice." Without his intervention, it would have been called, "Windfall Tax My Ass."

:: When California congressman Duke Cunningham cried during his resignation after pleading guilty to accepting bribes, he was shedding crocodile tears. Or rather, he was shedding tears because his crocodile-skin briefcase, a gift from Jack Abramoff, had been seized.

28 Hours Later

2005-12-20T20:03:00.000-05:00

As you probably know by now, the NYC transit workers' strike is SO ON. I was cozily ensconced in my apartment all day, so I didn't have to brave the chill and wend my way into the city, but I have it on good authority that it was damn cold. That wasn't the only reason I was relieved not to have to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge, though: the last time I crossed the famous span it was August of 2003, during the blackout, and the experience reminded me of nothing so much as a scene from the fabulously freaky 28 Days Later. Something like this:

"He will never read again. He will never love again. He will eat his own flesh when food is not found. He is Infected."

That's right: those who must walk to work every day will never read again, because they aren't getting their free copies of AM New York. They will never love again, because they must spend four hours a day communting. They will eat their own flesh when food is not found, because they haven't exercised this much in 25 years. They are Stricken.

Oil Leaks

2005-12-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

Two recent news developments from over the weekend are, well, in the news: one is the revelation that President Bush secretly authorized electronic surveillance on American citizens without going through the courts, and the House approved oil drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge.

What hasn't been discussed is the obvious link between these two news stories. Now, the Prez is pretty pissed off that his double super secret program has been released and he now actually has to defend his decision to spy on Americans, and he's called the leaking of this information a "shameful act." On the other hand, I think it's safe to say he's pretty happy about the drilling in the ANWR, supposedly because it will reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Unbelievers would say it's because he wants to give his friends the American oil companies a boost. But thanks to a Gurgly exclusive, I know the real reason the Prez is so happy about the very, very deep holes soon to be drilled Way Up North: it's because he's going to throw the leaker down one of the holes and close it up with a giant drain plug. Heh-heh. That'll solve his little plumbing problem. Heh-heh.

Sunday Confidential

2005-12-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

Hello, Preciouses (Precii?),
It's time - time for my not-so-secret confession that I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS. As previously metioned, I now know that I don't like roasted chestnuts, but I do like the Nutcracker (which we used to see every year when I was a little girl). I don't like the techno version of O Come All Ye Faithful that I heard while shopping today, but I do like almost all Christmas music, from old school religious hymns like O Come O Come Emanuel to that Mariah Carey nonsense. My award for all time favorite Christmas song is probably O Holy Night, and the undisputed Christmas music album champion is John Denver and the Muppets, A Christmas Together. If you've never heard this miracle of musical apotheosis, I highly recommend picking it up. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll listen again and again. I don't like scenes of holiday shopping chaos, for obvious reasons, but I do like... wait for it... wait for it... Christmas shopping. I have worked in retail for many a holiday season, and I really enjoy thinking of gifts that my loved ones will enjoy and helping other people find such things too. We're not so big on gifts in our family; we don't do Mother's Day or Father's Day or even really birthdays, anymore, so Christmas is special. I also happen to be fond of gingerbread cookies (gingerbread girls, to be exact), and people wishing each other happy holidays or Merry Christmas or whatever they so choose to wish each other. So happy hols, everyone, and I hope you can spend it with those you love. See you tomorrow.

China Blue

2005-12-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

There's an interesting argument going on in my apartment right now: is the Colbert Report secret right-wing propaganda? We've consumed a collective nine bottles of wine, so I'm not sure we're actually qualified to answer this question, but there seems to be a bitter contention between two sides: yes, and no. Is China bad because they imprison journalists? We're not clear. Does the fact that that's bad mean that China's bad? Even less clear. Can we take a joke? Fuzziest of all. But speaking of jokes, did you hear President Bush's speech this morning? Does anyone else go to sleep muttering the phrase, "we will accept nothing less than total victory," and then sometimes slip and say, "complete victory," then fall asleep out of serious boredom and anxiety? Me too.